A first pass at ongoing thinknig.

The revolution, a new era to an on going story; Begins simply inside ones self. In the deep dark corners and also amongst the people around now (thoughts of changing the world is great, but you can't change much if your can't treat your neighbor with love.) Finding humanity more and more, with justice and truth, staying clear of cold scholasticism and stale self-logic, or being in isolation from others...But prayerfully seeking, loving and bonding with Christ in others (people) and ourselves. Transform our love into actual deeds. If lucky, be good examples and live in a Christ like nature. A revolution from our own sinful ways, I pray I can do that.

“A revolutionary is guided by great feelings of love. It is impossible to think of a genuine revolutionary lacking this quality.”, Che

To perform a peaceful revolution needs great passion and spirit (or Faith: ‘fear and trebling.’) far more than an armed revolution. Patience is a key, one cannot instill passion and fervor in others for such a cause. Perhaps only a seed can be planted but that means ‘large doses of humanity, a large dose of a sense of justice and truth. Meaning, the only true revolution can occur after getting to know the masses.

What does this say? Simply that the length of time it takes to create a peaceful revolution is a long daunting process, but also seems impossible due to the fact there is far more armed tactics for revolution to go by. From the start it seems impossible, No. Just much harder and the process is longer or even won’t happen besides a crack of peace here and there. One could die before any ramifications are made... the reward is seen in the distance; or not seen at all. Failure or not, a change is made even at the smallest point.

Once again the beginning of a revolution starts within the person. So like many others that traveled their country to learn more, it seems great to follow in their footsteps. To trek across the nation talking to those in hard times and good times. Journaling all we hear, asking questions of what could be better for the people we wish to help. A revolution wouldn’t start from wanting it, it just happens while out among the masses. To come to a point of being as Che said Fidel, ‘having a dialogue (with the people) is like tow tuning forks whose vibrations interact, producing new sounds. They vibrate together in a dialogue of growing intensity until they reach the climax in an abrupt conclusion crowned by our cry of struggle and victory.’ Such things should not go ones head, this isn’t your movement. You’re a vessel of God’s showing passion and love, with letting it be yours it’s to easy to have power corrupt you. ‘Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely.’ for what you create can be easily taken. Most revolts end with the oppression that began it. ‘The law of the state is that in order to save the state even the innocent must be sacrificed... The death of a single man from among the least of men is an event more important and more tragic than the death of a state or an empire. It is unlikely that God notices the death of the greatest kingdoms, but the death of one man does not escape him...’ Berdyaev.

What can be said of that? Two things come to mind,

Walking through Chicago

So the last I had returned to Chicago I was with Brock... we took the train up and had to make it in time to catch the next one... about 12 blocks north. So, we sprinted it. Which reminds me, we should have worn better shoes. We sprinted just to realize that we didn't need to, because we were 3 hours early. Why? Oh that's right, because we didn't read the train schedules properly. The listings are different from each train. So we decided to hang out and walk around a bit. I also left the book Slaughter House V sitting on a table before we left to catch the train we were early for... I'm dumb.

I digress, we went outside and talked a while.. and someone asked if they could use my cellphone to make a phone call. Of course I'll let her, she looked hurt and had a medical bracelet on. We talked to a guy she was with, apparently they had just met that day. She was waiting for a ride and he was I believe a wanderer who just saw the blue angles fly at the pier. He was a sweet dude and talked us into trying to go see the show the following year. From talking they seemed hungry so Brock and I went inside to buy them some McDonalds. While inside I saw this cool sweet dude hanging out with his kids. He bought them happy meals and he was messing with the toys, he was also reading Walt Whitman. Then we went back outside, talked some more and found out that we are almost late for our train. We had to book it to the train, as left Brocks book there on the ground... still send out my apologies Brock.

Then we visit Caitlin, eat some pizza and head on our way back... after I bug Caitlin. It's what I do.

I think the most truthful thing I can say is that I know nothing. I hardly know how to just love properly. If it's truely human to keep exploring, there is far more for me to learn everyday. Also, with the truth being ours where we find it and who knows what's good and what's bad... it's quite a journey.

There is this story I heard, there is this man and his horse runs away. The neighbor comes out and is like, 'what terrible luck! This is terrible....' and the man is un-changed by this happneing, 'Who knows what's good and what's bad.' Then the next day a herde of horses run up and into his ranching area and the neighbor is excstatic, 'Look, what a glorious day!' The man, still unchanged by this happening by these happenings, he isn't not sad nor excited. The man says once again, 'You know, who knows what's good and what's bad.' A little while goes by the man and son are working on the fences for the horses. His son falls from something, he ends up breaking his leg. The neighbor once again, 'what a terrible thing, your son... what are you gonna do?' The neighbor, father still unchanged, 'who knows what's good and what's bad.' A little while later a war starts and the mans son is passed up due to his broken leg, he is not drafted.... I'll end there, mainly because that is all I know.

"Naturally the common people don’t want war… That is understood.Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is to tell they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack... of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” -Hermann Wilhelm Goering, Adolph Hitler's designated successor

Worry, into fear, fear. A step backwards.

To tell someone to never worry doesn't really make sense, we worry it seems to be of human nature. It's how we focus on that worry, we can't live in teh future nor should we live in the past. It's in the now that we find Jesus Christ our Lord, the today is the focus, for today has enough troubles of its own. With that being said our worry shouldn't take precedence over fully experiencing living.

1: John 4:18

That (worry) turns into a fear. Grace get's rid of alot of past discressions even future, our God is not a fearful Lord (can be) but a loving Lord of Grace and Justice. It seems to me we fear less and less as we follow Him. Fear holds back love, it can hold back the crushing of hells gates. Grace has us covered (not as a cruth, we are to strive foward to be like Christ.) It is not by acts we are saved, but by the Lamb. This 2nd exodus of Jesus Christ, by this we are saved. For we cannot save ourselves. Helping our brothers and sisters is great, but it's by grace alone we can even help our brothers and sisters. Being the body is not repayent, but being the love and grace of a broken people who have been saved by Grace.

Fear would be a constant state if our God was all wrate (it would be reguvinating to not follow a wrathful God.) I seek Him not in fear but Love, I hope not to disapoint my Lord. I am a sinner, who is under Grace and we are set 'ritcheous' from the blood of the Lambe. If we pick up the cross and follow Him, we were saved 'for God so loved the world...' thing. He wants us to follow after, gave us the means to be in His presence. Fear shouldn't be something that keeps me from the Kingdom, if our suffering is contemplated and transfigured. If we believe 'it stops at the cross' then we should not fear sin as we sometimes do.

I think,could you imagine being an enemy of God? Isn't that the idea of we are sinner thorugh and through. The body teh enemy of the head? The body is in trouble if it is disconnected from the majority of the senses. Not much of a vision. If it's as bad as hell fire and brimstone as some say, why would Jesus say "Come follow me and become fishers of men." be my student, be like your Rabbi (I say that a lot, ahaha but I think it's important.) He belives in us, so we should believe through Him, through grace, that we can believe in us. Believe that he can guide us, because we are ritcheous in a sense. So there is some presuposition it's possible, possible to be like Christ.

It's possible for us to be like Christ, why be called to an impossible? There has to be some hope for what the Church can become. Fear is a step back, too much worry is a step backwards. Faith itself is scary, it takes faith to step into... faith. A moving of fears into something else. Sometimes it seems we are out of our minds following God. ahaha

A trusting in the Truth, the reality that is God. The truth revealed that is Chrsit. He showed rebirth, suffering doesn't last, God's reality. Hope. Love. We are saved through the blood (love) not our own actions, but by God's love and sacrifice.

I'm out for now, once again from here... still so much to be said and contemplate.

With peace and love,

my brothers and sisters.

contemplating the cross, a bit.

The cross was an end to suffering. A means of saying, 'it stops here.' The way it was doesn't mean it always has to be. Suffering can continue but grace has been provided for transfiguration to occur. Suffering transfigured into beauty and divine knowledge.

Communion is a great symbolism of what Christ did for us. Not only in remembering Him, remembering what He did. What our Rabbi did, who we are supposed to be like and our Rabbi died upon a cross. There is a thing with suffering and divine change. 'Take this in remembrance of me.' There was a lot of, remember this, remember when you were in exile and I brought you into the holy land out of Egypt. The Exodus occurred and then remember the second exodus, on a larger scale of exodus when Christ died on the Cross. Skin broken and blood spilled, a justified graceful action that saved the whole world.

Remembering His suffering while I took communion today I thought more about what we are called to. 'covered by the dust of our Rabbi.' Remember the suffering as Christians we are going to face. Suffering to help others, not always putting yourself out there as a sheep to be slaughtered. "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." Suffering can vary.

But as I took communion today I really focused on that... Christ suffering and trying to really focus on what we are called to and to what extent this calling can be.

"Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings." 1 Corinthians 9:19-something... I forget... it's all good.

I don't want to just focus on Christ's death, don't get me wrong it's a great focus and of major importance for me to be in Shalom with my maker, shalom with my true humanity in which God intended. When He created me... when everything and all we know was started. Christ died but he conquered death and rose again. ahaha but what am I saying? What Christ did when He died was of VAST importance, how He lived was and how it all built up historically was just another one of those VAST important things. ahaha I could continue on for a while... it's so astounding.

I'm off to hang out some more. Please add thoughts and contemplations, it's all for some good discussion.

with peace and love,
my brothers and sisters.

"The Path is narrow."

John 6. People had to leave, this teaching... this yoke is tough.

Shall I preach for people to leave?
not, "GET OUTTA HERE!" type of thing.

"I smoke, drink and do a lot of things that aren't necessarily good... I shouldn't feel on top of the world about myself after church.", I have heard said recently.

The gospel is challenging when taken seriously. Challenging till you just want to leave even.
The journey that is, isn't simple.

A tour guide is used a lot as an example. I'm not bringing Jesus to someone, I'm showing or saying, 'He's here and always been here... for the grass to grow and the sun to shine... the crops to bare fruit and vegetables for the animals to eat. To bring nutrition, even amongst the worst times and He is hard to see.' A tour guide...

It's not easy, more and more questions arise and even by following Jesus more problems come up. He was martyred, I have to remind myself of this. The rabbi that we are supposed to come follow after, be covered in dust by... was killed upon the cross. His disciples (eventually, by eventually... during the worst time. They were pretty terrified, but hey I would be too if I was amogst people who want to kill me.) took that quite seriously.

Let us not forget Hope either. Hope in a new world, hope that this discipleship will lead to a better tomorrow, when taken seriously. Not just a walk in the park.

A tour guide just doesn't show you the beauty and simplicity. He shows you the hardships, the strenuous activity. From that they can show you a beauty, they reveal their journey to you. It's why their a guide in the first place.... this trail, mountain or water way is their journey.
Showing truth is yours, how to look through it and understand the journey. Help guide you along the way until, your are sort of on your own enjoying the trip.

It's tough, few will take up the cross... I question how much I REALLY understand this and how seriously I take picking up the cross.

I'm not sure where we got the idea in the church to be opposite culture, instead of seeing culture and just pointing out God where culture doesn't see Him (truth) Where we as believers miss Him.

At the cross, yes a place most instantly speak of.. but how many times do we... or for that do I, actually really take the time for a, 'contemplation on the cross"?

Transfigurative (definitely not a word or I spelled it atrociously) powers of the cross... a lot stopped there and was renewed or birthed. Our birth from death... dying to being reborn into righteousness.... A justified act of grace. Christ got the pain and suffering for our sins we deserve.

So, my point of thought is, it's tough not always the roughest times. There will be simple times of being a Christian, but not all ways a cake walk. We should let people know that. it isn't the spritual faith that you hear on TV (most the time) that you'll be rich, a rockstar or a movie star if you believe in Christ... the opposite could happen and something amazing could blossom from that. The road is tough and the path is narrow...

There is so much to ponder and reflect on... I'm off to do just that, lates.

God's love is astounding...
Christs compassion is amazing...
The holy spirits guidance is exceptional...

so easy to discuss, so difficult to just do. So hard to let yourself just sit and bask in such... amazing grace and love.

rethinking 'progress'

This is a, well, it's a reply to myself in this post the 'nakedness'. http://krisdenoyer.blogspot.com/2009/03/nakedness.html

The more I've been reading and even seeing during my past travels (hearing and seeing some people talk about MI). I've been seeing certain things that I thought 'progress' was good for. Like my progress forward in faith, intelligence, common sense, love... those things. Progress states you find a meaning, you move forward in your understanding of the meaning at this point inlife or time. Also, the meaning of where technology stands in progress, political progress, economical progress... etc. We make steps to show where progress stands and then you see this boomerang effect. It comes back, statistics show it in the book 'Hope in troubled times' (evidence cited in book).

So gun-ho on progress, perhaps it's our idea of progress in correlation to living (living in society) that's the problem. Instead of just living, we see things in a step form or a graph form (statistical form?).

Charles Chaplin stated, "What do you want a meaning for? Life is a desire, not a meaning." Which has validity to it, maybe life is a set of desires. Desires to help, desires for love, to show love and to be loved, and even the desire to be successful and good at what we do. You have a set progress towards meaning and understanding. We should have a movement forward of desires, healthy desires (who defines healthy?, I ask myself this.). So maybe desires is a bad way to put it, not quite sure a different way to state it at the moment. I'm still working forward through this. As a Christian I have a purpose of living like Christ, not a progress of living like Christ but just plain out seeking, sowing and serving... like Christ and finding the ultimate reality, God (you can tell I've been re-reading velvet elvis).

Back to this boomerang effect of progress, bills are passed politically to help economically. These are passed and even in our boarders we seem some effect years down the line. Trying to help people buy homes during the carter era, opened up changes and manipulation to the credit card companies (during the clintons presidency). Which people bought homes who couldn't afford them (which continued into the bush terms, which we saw more of the repricussion at the end and beginning of obama), which banks were giving out money they wouldn’t be able to get back... by now everyone should know this story. We give out money to correct the economy (it's a 50/50 chance to work or fail. it failed in Japan, could work for us). I'm not gonna argue the decisions economically, just the idea of progress. This will effect car companies (the world, everything really. a breaking point), our idea of progress is kind of odd. To have things, homeless raised after bills were passed to help homeless people (sorry to be vauge... really vauge). At first it could work, but later on things change and progress doesn't change with the times. We had that step taken care of, the times move and the effect comes around needing another progession forward. Another step.

(basically, the boomerang effect... bills are passed to help a country, community. Wherever, it helps for a short time period but after a while, the poverty rate normally jumps in that area.)

Technologically move forward to help, leaves a lacking of understanding besides that machine that isn't working... I need to fix it to continue this progress. Instead of, if that machine breaks I can just continue where it left off myself. Easier said than done. I understand. Maybe I went all over place with this train of thought, perhaps I didn't. I'll come down to one thing. A personal help in hand, one on one or group to group... people to people. Economically, socially... etc. pass the bills, politics can move on. But, people helping people... the church being the church.

The boomerang effect can be more crushing in one huge movement, but one person or group at a time... personally helping one another. It's no longer a progress, it's a movement forward that has the advantage to change with the times.

through depths of twilight

the truth will shine brighter than anything we have ever known, it will be more beautiful than an aurora borealis, the terrifying and passionate emotions will be felt, stronger than any emotion any human has felt before. through one simple word and very complex word, with many emotions set behind this one thing, item, feeling, ideal, person: Truth.

"Art is a process of elimination. The sculptor produces the beautiful statue by chipping away such parts of marble block as are not needed.", Elbert Hubbard.

Now I ask this, 'what about the person that saw the marble as beautiful to begin with? just the slab or where it originally was in the earth?' There could be far less to this than we think... it's quite simple in all honesty. Just to love, the complexities come from our unwillingness to do so.

Jesus is not the norm

"The ends justifies the means." No matter how you slice it, this statement seems to have caused more pain and loss than anything else. Religious wars are being fought by using drug money, wars are being waged for the hopes of peace, to shut down Guantanamo there is so much red tape (also the fact that the country wishes to have it shut down, but the prisoners... we don't want em'), economic stimulus plans being passed, and I don't think a government jubilee is soon to come. I just kind of sit back and am so very very sad with what is going on around. As John Stewart said, "Politicians and people are like, the bell curve. We are all here in the middle section and everything is run by the small outer sects of the curve." We rely on the politics to bring change. In which the government can, don't get me wrong. The possibility is there. We forget what people can do, what people can do for change. In the larger majority, we kind of just... slump our shoulders when we here that Gitmo can't be closed until there is further planning... when our states are refusing to take in detainees. It's kind of like, if you're against abortion be open to adopt some kids.

So what I'm saying is, "In the seventeenth chapter of St. Luke, it is written that the kingdom of God is within man, not one man nor a group of men, but in all men! In you! You, the people, have the power, the power to create machines, the power to create happiness! You, the people, have the power to make this life free and beautiful, to make this life a wonderful adventure.", Charles Chaplin in The Great Dictator. We aren't our political leaders, we don't have the red tape to go through... we have the people and actions that speak out. We could sway our political leaders or not. If there can't be a jubilee, let's enact one with ourselves. If they won't take in detainees, let's find some way to help them. Another quote to just simply state my point, "I don't preach a social gospel; I preach the gospel, period. The gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ is concerned for the whole person. When people were hungry, Jesus didn't say, "Now is that social or political?" He said, "I feed you." Because the good news to a hungry person is bread.", Tutu.

We acting for the kingdom of God, to bring it here to earth. Are representatives in a way. When we mess up that affects the perspectives of what the kingdom actually looks like. But that is a different discussion all together.

God is trying to enforce and build our imaginations, we can do great things... in such imaginative ways. Perhaps start a jubilee, by paying off our fellows debts (forgetting trickle up or trickle down economics, helping each other out). Finding ways to stop suffering, believe it or not... God didn't call us to be Americans first and lovers of all humanity second. We were called to love all of our brothers and sisters, even those in Gitmo. The kingdom I work for has no borders, I wish to love all, even if that is optimism I have hope for God's kingdom to come (and that's not I'm waiting for Jesus to return, I'm awaiting mankind to bring on the 'on earth as it is in heaven')

Wolf am I (and shadow)

"forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us"
"I am sending you out like sheep among wolves."
"Your kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven."
"Be on your guard against men; they will hand you over to the local councils and flog you in their synagogues. On my account you will be brought before governors and kings as witnesses to them and to the Gentiles. But when they arrest you do not worry about what to say or how to say it. At the time you will be given what to say, for it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you."
"whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven. But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven.'
umm... Matthew: 10 and the sermon on the mount are all pertaining to.


My mind has been fixed upon the idea of suffering lately, what we go through picking up the cross... the yoke of our God. It's a scary thought to think the truth can have so much that comes with it, physical pain, emotional suffering. The best realization I got for this was when I was sitting in a tree the other day, just pondering life... the life I'm chosen and where I will be one day. I first went to the thought of, "To suffer for the truth is either the best idea I can have or a terrible idea that I didn't think through." I'm going to suffer, put through trials and have the complete unknown happen. I just should make sure I've prayed and fully grasped the decisions I'm making. That my decisions are just images of God in my actions, letting Him use me. If the suffering happens for those reasons, I'll gladly take it over and over again (hopefully it's not selfish reasoning and all for/about God). Suddenly, the tree branch I was perched upon broke... I take a nice fall to the ground and what do you know it, fall on my side (ow). I get up and just laugh, God if there wasn't any better way to teach me something. I've fallen out of trees before, but it's been years. What I realized was, like my faith... I'm still gonna climb that tree or any tree. I'm gonna check the branches I sit upon a little more the next time, but I should check those branches as much as I check the truth that I think I'm standing for. Also, check how I am standing for that truth. I mustn't turn into a wolf amongst wolves... I should forgive and pray for those who trespass against me. For we are all human and for that made of sand. I wish to bring Heaven to earth (walking on water wasn't built in a day), these things take time and there is gonna be some dark vs light times. Some cages are gonna be rattled, but God will fight our battles. Romans 8, "If God is for us who will be against us?" He said He'd give Mosses the words he needed when talking to Pharaoh (God came through on that one), He told the apostles just before they left with no money (they were lucky to have sandals) God will provide them with the words they need (also, the everything else they need to live) or for the words they don't need. I should check my branches, the truth will be revealed in time in all situations. God will show us when we have made bad decisions (we shouldn't count on making the bad decision first and asking for forgiveness later, we should start to learn to take the time and patience to talk with God in the silences. Seek after His heart in our lives). Acknowledge God in what we do, "scream on the rooftops what we are whispered. what I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight." (Matthew 10) I can't say how to handle the situations when they occur, it could be weird... like in Jesus for president he mentions "I don't know, to help that situation? I'd run around and cluck like a chicken, then fake eat food off the ground." ahaha (can't forget the weird imaginative ways to solve something.)

I don't know, just the random thoughts I've had... put together in one long paragraph. We are a people to be set a part. Sheep amongst the wolves. (speaking of sheep, "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." Romans 8 and Psalm 44.) It's so easy to become a wolf amongst wolves. I know I have done it, I hope I am forgiven for those times... those times seem to be good reminders that someone had to of forgiven me in my trespasses.

Grace, love, peace, redemption and Christ can sure cause shenanigans. Some holy shenanigans? ahaha lame joke, my apologies.

Now I'm out of words and thought patterns.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92o5X1IDHN8 :title came from a mewithoutYou song.

1 Corinthians 13:1
"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing."
in hopes that I speak, act, and have faith with pure true love,
Kris

a conversation to remember? I don't know... it was too weird... I'm weird.

me, "I was just thinking... Cars are weird. We travel in like, blastic moving objects.. imagine waht like, the first person thought when they saw the automobile first driven around.'

Jorden, 'haha, they probably tried to bomb it. "It's a devil machine from teh future!!!!!"

me, "I sure hope so. It'd be weird if they were like, 'What's that new contraption? I must lick it...'"

Jorden, 'Not everyone thought like you i nteh early thirties. lol"

Me, "I'm glad you caught onto that. Cause I lick and put things in my mouth... mostly new technology. I liked a lamborgini once."

Jorden, "AHAHA! I would have a strange desire to do the same thing. I watned to lick a really nice drumset once."

me, "It's a weird feeling! But oddly satisfactory... it's like, so awesome (the object) you wish it was a girl to make out with. ahaha", we just laughed REALLY hard after that, to tears.

Jorden ended with, 'this conversation is so awesome, excuse me while I lick my phone."

me, like a ship at sea.

a lot of the stories, poetry, or scripts come to me in the shower or a few right before i go to bed. i decide they are good ideas once if they are still stuck in my head when i awake in the morning or i'm out of the shower. i give the stuff that comes out of my brain right before i sleep more time, because of exhaustion and it could be a terrible idea. now what i write isn't genius it's all from actual events most of the time, just overly dramatic, more comedy, adding to events or the occasion making up dialogue. situations are typically the same, i am not that good.

hmm... right.

my head hits the pillow and it's warm, that darn cat must of been sleeping on it again. so i take it to the flip side, the cool side of the pillow. that feels much better, faintly i hear some 'foxhole' in the background. as i lay there i can hear all the intricate workings of my body. the inhale and exhale of my lungs, the sudden gust of air coming in and out. (my airways sound clear this evening. smooth sailing in the breathing department) my heart bumps with each inhale and exhale, just carrying the oxygen through out my body. it beats with much fervor and strength now. this happens on occasion, where i'm in such idle peace and concentration of a moment. this moment, just laying in bed with my heart beating and pushing the blood through my veins. i can feel the blood rushing through my body, when i close my eyes i can concentrate even more and it's as if i can hear the blood pulse through out every extremity. then suddenly as i start to focus a tad on the music again. the flow of the blood in my body it feels as though my whole entire being is moving, like when i was on the boat the past summer. i'm laying on my bed but i feel like a ship at sea, just rocking back and forth. breathing the cool air, listening to some good jams, rocking gently, and the rushing of my blood seems like the ocean waves slightly hitting up against this boat. it's peaceful there. i wonder if that feeling will carry on for a while to come... serenity and finesse side of a ship at sea. oh all the symbolism a ship at sea can create, oh the implications it can stand for.

returning from break

(segment from story i'm writing)

"'when you entered through that door I was aghast. this moment is like dawn, with it's allure of the red-orange canvass sky. I can see a sunrise over and over, each time left flabbergasted by its beauty and glamor.' what do you think of that?", he asked.

her looking into a cup of tea responds, "well, it just seems... not realistic. not that.."

he chimes in, "no, no, no." letting out a small laugh, "I want honesty, how was it not realistic?"

"Well i've never heard of such affection. my parents were divorced, i never heard, 'i love you' spoken verbally before, except through films, books or lies. With everything else i haven't been that passionate about anything."

"So does that mean it doesn't exist? because i haven't felt, tasted, smelled, heard, seen it? i haven't felt pluto or seen it out of photos or drawings in text books. I can be proof only while i have it or after it left. so it can exist......."

more to come eventually.

__________________________________

'God wanted to take the yoke of the egyptians (empire) out of His people.'

He seems to have been trying to take the yoke of the empire out of me, while replacing it with His divine yoke for a long time.

that moment

today i decided to go to the theatre, the reason being i saw the new 'dragonball: evolutions' movie was out. this is one of those cartoons that i realized, 'man, i'm 21 years old.' yes, a few cartoons from my childhood have been turned into movies, but it isn't like this movie. my friends and i were enwrapped in this cartoon, i own almost the whole entire show on vhs alone. being honest, i wouldn't have enjoyed this film very much if it wasn't for the memories that are tied to it. nostalgia if you will, set in. remembering watching the 'freeza saga' uncut and waiting for the new movies to come out. talking about what could happen next with my friends, then sitting watching the spanish channel to see the up and coming cell saga! ahaha we were nuts about this show... the transformers was a big film, resident evil was one of those games that was like this (nostalgic) cartoon to be turned into a movie, the looking back thing. except I was 16/17 years old then. now it feels surreal like a lot of situations seem these days.

now i go to the theatre purchase my ticket and go to barnes and nobel to waste some time. i'm not there long, time passes really fast as i read some more of Exodus and Matthew. I grab my bag and enthusiastically walk over to go see the movie, a part of me is embarrassed that i'm going to see 'dragonball: evolutions' in the beginning... let alone, being alone to see it. i decide i need me a drink while i watch this film, so i go and buy this outrageously expensive 4 dollar medium (that feels more like a large to me) sprite. the girl that got me the drink was flirty, i figured since i was going to see 'dragonball:' the movie that was taken from an anime... confidence goes down a bit. i flirt back anyways, i'm a chump and it comes out a bit naturally. she was really really nice though and i like to see people smile, so i might just be over thinking. no matter what i'm glad to put a smile on someone's face. anyways, i go into the theatre and see 2 kids in front of me, they look about 14 years old. other people start to come in, a guy that is about my age sits behind me and sighs, 'i can't believe i'm here right now.' i just look back and say, 'i know, right? but it's the principle of the thing right?' he laughs and agrees with a subtle nod and a laugh. after this guy comes in a couple (a date movie i suppose? ahaha) then lastly is this older guy with his 5 year old kid. in which i knew he had to of brought his kid so he had a reason to come and see this film, dragonball was on toonami and cartoon network for a long time.

needless to say, it was worth the 7 bucks to have a look back. i'll most likely buy this movie, just because... a small reminder of a past and the aspects in the future. 'who i was and who i am.' all because of a tee.vee show that was on toonami, when moltar used to host. they left it open, so perhaps there will be more to come of our hero goku, bulma, chi-chi and master roshi. ahaha one could only hope, well my friends should. i'm gonna make then watch this and any others that come out. cause i'm awesome. ahaha

thank God for changes, thank God for friends, thank God for the word 'hope', and even more thank God for everyone out there. thank the Lord for you and me to exist.

'wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.'

'i hope that last things last past these first charms, these pale charms.', 'last things last' by rachel's band. this will be a random and odd post, but hey... i think that way. but i listened to this song by rachel's and i was thinking about my prayer life lately... i'm at the point i always get to. that point being where my prayer time 'feels like i'm talking to a brick wall.' so God i hope my passion and want for you goes 'past these first charms, these pale charms.' that it will last through my 'pale charms.' which brings me on to the next song quote and realization of who i am now compared to who i used to be.... i used to count on me and no You Lord.

'And Your skin taste much better with aging not sweet like it was back in our sunday school.' this song is by manchester orchestra and it's entitled 'now that you're home.' i never was a sunday school kid, per-say. but it stands, Jesus you grow with age and wisdom. divine wisdom. i read the bible with new eyes and my heart sees with a new passion, a burning passion of how i will look, but how you look through me Lord. not saying it isn't rough, but oh how Your glory shines Lord. in the Psalms david asks 'where are you Lord?' many times like i do... and here you were the whole time, right here. now where was i?

'wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.'

here I am Lord, O here i am... all for You Lord. continuing after You. i know you are here, because before i didn't know where you weren't. that hasn't changed, You haven't changed. I love You Man.

torn out heart!

I feel as though I have driven up to my house to see the front door had been kicked in. I'm brave enough to pass through the front entrance of my home, to see what seems to have happened. While I enter it appears that no table has been turned, nothing broken or misplaced. I only see 2 things added to my home, a piece of paper and a flower of some sort. I walked up to take a look at was sitting there. I look at the note that read, 'I can take away your happiness as simply as a rose can die without water nor sunlight.' pondering what this meant I picked up the rose. it sat in my hands dead. Holding the rose I knew at any second the pedals could fall astray, limp to the floor... like the happiness I hold so dear.

*written after Manchester United tied 2-2 against FC Porto.

a little crazy, i talk to myself.

i find it odd how people who come to Christ later in life describe Jesus as this 'madman'.
but he was, His people are very odd... ahaha heck, one guy (by one guy, john the baptist. That guy.) sat in the desert and ate locust. we are called to hang out with the lepers, even be lawyers while doing it. the idea of being 'set apart' has taken all knew meaning.

i will choose to love, that's it. simply love today and when the sun will rise tomorrow, i shall do it again. i am loved to show love, i am loved to know love... we love each other to fully understand His love.

there is just this thing going on in my head now, that a personal relationship with Jesus is so much more real when i don't try to do this (living) all alone. because the humanity of Christ is always doing things together, as the body. even God did this with us, i mean i started understanding more when i took in the idea that Jesus suffered here on earth and did the trials. as if He is saying, 'me too.' God had the Holy Spirit come upon us to say, 'I am here with you.' God is here and with me, i can talk to Him, interact with Him and at some point see all that He is doing in my life. i think we only understand Gods' love once we experience loving others... it may be why it's so important to love our neighbors and love each other as He so loves us. the loving i show here is only a glimpse of His divine love and what awaits us in Heaven. by loving the least of these and our brothers and sisters, we get a peek at what Heaven will be. a nice dose of Gods love for us. how I love my best friend is nothing on how much God loves me. how i love a significant other, is nothing in comparison to how much He loves me. the happiness i see is a glimpse of what Heaven will be like. by all that has been shown, oh how my love increases for You... even to that how i realize how much i love all of these people around me. there are still differences and frustration, but really everything at the foot of the cross is level. sometimes i get frustrated, but i hope it's a frustration of love and i don't act on such things. that i love all people and not for my benefit of looking better, because 'i am the problem' my ego and pride, my stubbornness. don't let these things bother me when trying to bring Your kingdom, i do it for you and for no one else to see. 'make it so my right hand doesn't know what the left is doing.' i love you Man.





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random.. thing.

there is an app. (application, i know you know that but 'app' annoys me) for pretty much everything on the iPhone, except the one that makes it less pretentious.

personal journalism time...

reflections

so i woke up this morning and did my devotionals. i opened up the Bible and this happened... 'oh nooooeesss!', i said. i suppose i'll need me some glue here soon. funny thing is i also found the bible my mom had when she was a kid, the bible i was given when i was baptized as a kid and the one i was given when i was born... or the one my parents were given, to give to me. anyways.


i'm gonna take a stroll down memory lane here, because i've been just thinking a lot lately. right over here to the right is a picture of brock and i a long time ago. also with this picture is a toy from a cereal box of venom (it's melted from sitting on my car dashboard. you fill this thing with water... well at one time you filled it with water and the water shot from venoms hands). it's spider-man so i think about brock when i see it, since we love comic books and ultimate spider-man is are favorite comic book series. then off to the right under brock is a g.i. joe guy, his hands are broken. we found this when we walked from my house (by olivet) to manteno, it looked like it was going to rain... we had a lot of conversations about greek gods and even more comedy. that was such a great walk, i miss that kid... but the army guy is holding the ring of power from 'lord of the rings'. I defeated brock in williams lobby playing 'lord of the rings: risk' i stole his ring from the game, placed it on my finger and made him kiss it in front of everyone in the lobby. in front of his girlfriend and mine at the time... chuck was there too. it was some good times, i just have this picture and those things by my study. just to remember my best friend. now i haven't explained the picutre. this was taken at arby's, in which i received the wrong sandwich. so i was given a free sandwich! good times, i gave my sandwich to brock or his sister... not quite sure. brock's sister took this picture, but we both look really young in this picture... i think i was a senior in high school? not sure... i do remember it was a lot of fun and this wasn't too far away from the night the both of us became best friends.

it was just one of those moments that, will always stick in my memory. now, we both decided to swing on swings... now most of you know we both get sick on swings, because we are wimps. well, we were swinging and I was telling brock the shenanigans i caused in high school. he did the same. the conversation is one of those things.. that was awesome. ahaha but, we both puked that evening after the swings, just an odd connection but above this we just laughed at ourselves. but right after we decided to go home, but right before we decided to get donuts and 69 cent dranks at the gas station. in which we were both extremely rejuvenated! so we continued to hang out the rest of the night, going to barnes and nobel. that's kind of, well he's been a God send in my life. a night i'll always remember and from that night on we have had so many journeys and stupid mistakes. but continued moving forward. more journeys and moving forward together. we are one thousand miles apart and yet still continuing in the same direction in some spiritual level of life. it's mind boggling. this friendship and deep relationship with him has changed my life with God and how i see relationships with everyone i meet('all level at the foot of the cross.'). it brought it to such a deeper level of things. it's odd to not have my best friend right here with me or be there with him, but i know God is good. not sure why i decided to type all that, but it's been on my heart... so i do know why, ahaha it's important to me and something i wished to share. we hold each other accountable and it shows true reflection of how i wish to see the community of God. as i see my best friend.

dear God open my eyes, open my eyes God... open my heart and bless me to do Your will. i love you Man... thank you for such a great person to be in my life and for everyone to come into my life. may i lay my pride and stubbornness aside Lord, but help me. i cannot do this alone, i seek after You.

i'm sorry

i'm sorry Lord, for all i've done. You lift me up God, may i not make myself fall. i am weak but You are strong. i love you Lord, please help me. i seek Your divine wisdom Lord. i have hope for the future, for Your dream... give me eyes to see and ears to hear. let my heart be open to You always, may my life be a sacrifice to You, a servant to all because there is no lower place to go. crush my pride and fill me up, to love You more and more each day.

amen.

'i am not an optimist or a pessimist. i live by hope!', desmond tutu

there was more to this quote, tutu continues to say in 'God has a dream' is optimism leads to pessimism and can be cynicism. for me this is true, if i am very optimistic i can also be very pessimistic. odd yes, but does not mean this does not happen. tutu states he is a realist, but for Gods dream, a hopeful dream (for His people, to work through them in this world) that everything will be transfigured as the cross was. Hope for a new tomorrow and for what His people were promised. like the Hebrews in exodus, 'a land flowing with milk and honey.'

I have such a hope for tomorrow, God is with His people. He was with paul in acts and with moses exodus. God is within us all, His people the Church (not the church 'building', with the congregation. our brothers and sisters) to bring in a new world, Gods' world. He uses the weak in such times. like i've said, moses he had a speech impediment. abraham. paul. even, me?

He brings us together, in community. to work through, to trust in Him. He loves us and we are to love Him and His creation as He loves them... faith within the storm and in the subtle peaceful times after such a storm. God needs me to work through, why else would i be here with such precious gifts from Him? I have such weak points, but so much to take joy in and i know so many people to take joy in.

for some reason above the words 'us' and 'them' stuck out, a lot to me. even as i typed them. what comes to mind is, creating an 'us and them' scenario. like, us the church and them as everybody else.... ugh.

I'm dropping this... to be honest my heart isn't in it. I'm trying too hard, i just want something to flow out of me. not be life changing, this stuff is changing in me. not me trying to change anyone else. I wrote most of this in my journal so... sorry to cut out on you guys like that. I started this this morning and well... i'm not gonna continue on typing it here if, well... if the passion isn't there. God bless.

the love paradox

"Since love grows within you, so beauty grows. For love is the beauty of the soul. ", St. Augustine

with everyday, my love for You increases. my trust in You increases... the more i reveal myself to people, the more i see of You each day. i know by trusting in You, i receive (it's not a point system) favor. for such a small word (trust), it holds such weight and complications. i'm trying God, but by Your grace and divine wisdom i seem to be growing deeper in love with You and Your people Lord. thank you. it seems by loving more and more, i grow fonder of You and more trusting. hence the idea of some 'love paradox' that never seemed to make sense until now. may i keep my eyes and ears on You, for Your grace is what holds me here. Your love is magnificent and beautiful, i have far to go but seeing such love coming from Your people. as subtle as it can be, it's still so amazing... love truly is the beauty of the soul.

so, i thought i had a lot to write about today... but it all seems so trivial now and i'd just be blowing it WAY out of proportion... ahaha so it's not flowing right now, i guess i'll save this as a draft and see if anything comes to me. (time of writing: 8:11 p.m.)

(11:08 p.m.) i've decided not to push anything, but i'll leave these from my devotions i have done thus far. i am reading 'make poverty personal' (in which if anyone would like to join me in discussion and working through this book, pick it up. we can chat about it somehow. phone call, e-mail, forum... whatever) and decided to go through exodus on my own (since the book talks on that in the first chapter, figured it was a good time to look at Exodus in whole).

Exodus 3:
I have watched over you and have seen what has been done to you in Egypt. ¹⁷ And I have promised to bring you up out of your misery in Egypt into the land of the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites—a land flowing with milk and honey.'

Exodus 4:
¹⁰ Moses said to the LORD, "O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue."

¹¹ The LORD said to him, "Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the LORD ? ¹² Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say."

Isaiah
5:7
The vineyard of the Lord Almighty is the house of Israel, and the men of Judah are the garden of his delight. And he looked for justice, but saw bloodshed; for righteousness, but heard cries of distress.
(a friend said she was reading this specific passage in a dream she had, so I've been pondering over it... any thoughts? of course go and read it in it's full context.)

**for you futurama fans, yes a refrence to farnsworth paradox episode. good episode, but i'm only refrencing the name. i did put more thought into it than just the refrence, i remembered the refrence a while later.

the nakedness

i'm pretty uncomfortable being naked. just in general. i was thinking of something i used to say a lot, 'being naked in front of God.' that's what i want to strive for, being naked in front of God and not just the, hey no physical clothes! but the in depth, nakedness of my soul, hopes, fears, future, imagination... to truly open my heart and pour it out, nakedness towards God as He reveals Himself to me. that is kind of what i'm doing with this blog as well, these are part of my prayers and revealing myself to God and to my friends. this is me uncovering and bearing my naked soul. yes, here and there i'm leaving something out for myself to share with God. these are just like the consensus and more direct thoughts/occurrences. God has been so awesome as of late.

'God is love and love is real!'

God, build me up Lord... build me up. use me for Your will. imagination can do such great things, it's all over the scriptures. give me the wisdom of Heaven to reinforce this imagination of mine. to boldly spread Your word.

'blind as i'd become, i used to wonder where you are-
these days i can't find where You're not!'

so i decided to take a drive today and look for the salvation army church. as i was driving i looked and found a barnes and noble, so i pulled over to partake inside. perhaps eat some lunch and buy a book, i found 'making poverty personal'. while looking around the girl next to me was buying 'irresistible revolution' so we talked for a little while. AHH! why did my text change? whatever, so we sat and talked for a while, then sat and had some lunch with her as well. it was really nice, she goes to a methodist church not too far from my house so i think i may go and check it out one time. we exchanged e-mail addresses so we can keep in touch and perhaps get together to discuss books and/or go to church one day. so i was pretty excited about that. my text changed again... what the deuce? anyways after this i headed home. excited my mom is bringing home some wings 21 and i'm trying to decide what book to read next.

when i got home (text changed again) i decided to make a little study next to my window, just by dragging in a chair from the dining room and using the tub that i was sitting on as a foot stool. also by using the window as a place to hold books and perhaps some tea, it's just really nice to sit and read there. i've been trying to spend my mornings in devotions and with God, it gives me a good place to look out and have some great solitude away from everything. it's a crazy little nook, a corner of quiet. some time sitting here really changes my out look for the day. I'm gonna throw in a picture of what it looks like looking out.

but i must say, the saddest thing today has been hearing muffin, the cool kittie in my house, has to be put down tomorrow. his kidney's and liver are shutting down completely so it's best to put him down. just really sad cause i like him, he's calm and spends a lot of time in my room just hanging out. but this evening the' incredible hulk' is here and my parents and i are going to watch that. just to double check, the one with edward norton... the good hulk film.

God you are so great, build me up Lord and let me be naked in front of You. allow me to keep moving forward. as i enjoy saying, 'make progress!' which by saying 'progress!' i need to go over a story, well there are a lot of stories of this... but the times dave, brock and i were off playing golf. there was this thing to where, we suck at golf. ahaha terribly. well, dave is pretty good. well anyways, it's a continuing joke since the first day we all golfed together this 'progress!' being yelled. you can see where i'm going here, but i'll start from the beginning even though the reader is steps ahead. golf day starts, it seems each time we go one person has their shoes off and only one of us wore shorts. so us three guys are golfing two with rolled up pants, one with out shoes, one with shorts and most likely somebody has their shirt off. backwoods golfing comes to mind.

we come up to the first tee off, dave goes first. he hits one and it's not as good as he would like, so re-do (that's a typical day of golf, 'umm can i retry that?'). the next one is nicely shot and off to the right of the green. i'd tell you how far it went, but i can't remember any of them. just how long it took us to actually get a decent shot.

at this point it's brocks turn, this time it's about one drive and he's in a half way decent position. not far from daves and in the middle of the fairway.

my favorite part, my turn. now, i used to play golf a lot. so i'm not terrible, but i'm definitely no where close to good.

i walk up and take a few practice swings, remembering 'yeah, i miss golf. i was pretty decent.' first swing... way far! but waaaay to the right. shanked it into the woods. this happens 3 times...(i lost all three of those golf balls too) good distance, but a 45 degree angle to the right. ahaha so hilarious to see, if i hit that thing straight. oh what a marvelous drive i would have! if only, i hit it straight. (now a days i have to angle my body like 35 degrees to the left to equal out my enormous shankage, it's hilarious. I could hit around a corner some times.) we continue down and it get's worse. dave still does good. brock and me keep having our redos' until we get fed up. hit the ball once, goes 2 feet. hit it again, a few more feet. then, Glory be to God the ball flies 20 feet. from dave we here, 'progress!' yelled from the back.

now my point is, those few shots that suck... oh how mad we can get. but that one decent shot that we had all day, makes it all worth while. the 'progress' of it all. progress of a nice shot, progress i made today by not getting mad at drivers, and the progress i've made in the relationships. i have some tough times, but God is faithful... maybe not in my golf game. ahahaha but definitely in my life, if i'm just seeking after Him.

just some information also, by the end of a long day of golf. we look like beginners instead of amateurs. some progress, but oh how much fun it is. good friends, good talks, new skills, good tea and lookn' like idiots. praise be to God for such times.

'but seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. each day has enough trouble of its own.' Matthew 6;32-34

God give me peace and the ability to seek after Your kingdom. to make some progress in my life and to make progress towards Your Kingdom to come. give me eyes to see and ears to hear Lord.

i cried and ran to the boys' bathroom.

the title is altered from rob bell's, 'she ran into the girls bathroom'. in which he talks about a time he asked a girl to dance with him, when he was like 12 years old, at this time in life the dance floor is like a parted sea. guys on this side and girls on that side. so the boy to cross that threshold is pretty brave and is taking a risk (risk is what bell focuses more on in said chapter). well bell was brave enough to make such a journey and asked this girl to dance, in which she could say 'yes' or 'no'. instead she ran off to the bathroom. now, what is so hard about a 'no'? it's you are putting yourself out there to be accepted or rejected. if you are rejected it's like a piece of you is left there. a yes is amazing. rob compared this with God, how we can reject Him or love Him. how God risks love with us, by giving the freewill to love or turn away from Him. God grieves for us as He is in joy for our following Him.

'there is no coincidence, only the illusion of coincidence.'

but, my mind went else where and remembered a time when i was that girl. i ran to the bathroom when something was presented to me. God really gave me sometime of reflection after and this person called me. in which i am deeply sad that i was not open enough with her to say, 'i was weak and i wasn't mature enough.' just a simple, 'i'm not ready, you are great and i can't really live up to this. i'm still a child.' it's amazing how God works, i feel more mature than that day and i have hope that i will constantly keep seeking after Him. thankful that He works through the body and she just so happened to call at the right time. how magnificent is He? i can't fathom, but i'm learning if i let Him work. keep my eyes and ears open to His will, He will work in the subtle winds and through His people. i'm stoked to have this girl in my life again as a sister in Christ. there is so much going for her. we were on the phone for quite some time talking, it was very nice and i'm in awe of what God can do.

He's been giving me wisdom, giving me opportunities and i am trying to sow in Christ name. may i continue to be open to His will, open heart and ears. i continue to ask for divine wisdom and the passion to love all of His children as He loves them.


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random thing about alec baldwin, you'll most likely hate it. i was bored, waiting for brock to call me back.

i got a question for you (this was directed towards, brock), i typed this out so i would have it right when i got a hold of you (brock). like, basically i'm reading a script (he was calling me back). questions that need to be asked before the the main question, you've seen independence day, correct? ok, you've seen pearl harbor, right? well that isn't very important if you have or haven't. what matters is he is a pilot in both films and in some way a commander/leader of the military.

do you think alec baldwin was chose for the role of the leading officer (pilot) in pearl harbor, for his amazing job as the president who was the commander in chief (also a pilot, later in independence day), whom shot down the aliens? oh, he shot down both the japanese and aliens... fictionally of course. (meaning, he gives great speeches from the cockpit of a plane, he's a good fake pilot.)

I'm pretty sure this is true, because he gives a darn good speech while in a cockpit of a plane. he's a terrible fake president (my apologies, alec baldwin is a good actor. comedy my friends) but he got that role (independence day) for his astounding "piloting". same with pearl harbor, terrible leader but a fantastic actor at being a lead man in the cockpit. the speeches this man gives...

**side note to all of this.**
i laughed a lot as i wrote this, i'm a little crazy. brock laughed, repeatedly saying how weird this was. ahaha

there was a terrible crash

last night i had this dream and woke up utterly terrified.

it started driving in the dark, i was seated in the middle seat next to my friend david. david is a tall blond kid and built pretty well. i'd say he was about 6 foot tall and to my left was a girl, not for sure who she was. but I knew her. only thing is i didn't talk to her about the whole entire time, except for right after i noticed david was in the car (i use the word notice because in a dream, it's like you are just realizing what is going on. the whole time though, you do know what's going on). i looked at this girl and smiled saying, 'i hope you're having a good time. i know my high school friends are crazy.' she looked back smiling and just said, 'it's totally fine, i'm really enjoying my time.'

now let me explain what people and the inside of the car appeared to look like. the girl next too man siting was the same height as me. she had on an orange tank top, and what i also remember is her perfect smile. the one to where her head tilts to the right side of her body. just a cute really nice smile, where her eyes twinkled. for some reason this was very in depth in my dream. luke is about 5'8 and has the common marine look. very tan with black hair. he never really turned around much and to the left sat willam who was a little bigger built than david. helm is at the same sitting height as luke in the front. i never really looked towards willam. now for the car, it was a roomy vehicle... like park avenue size. so, it's like a boat car. the car seats were like a dark gray color and the interior was pretty plain.

on with the dream sequence.

from the front of the car i hear luke say, 'stop being romantic, you know it's a terrible time. kris is mine as well, we're gay.' everybody in the car laughed. 'dude, we should go get some arby's.', i said.

a random voice, 'i'm thinkn' arby's.' i laughed and kept looking at luke, 'willam (he's in the passenger seat) is down for arby's!' david chimes in with, 'it's arby's time children.' luke took the next right on this dark country road.

as we drive we notice from a distance we could see emergency lights and when we reached the stop sign we couldn't turn left. so luke turned right (i think we were heading to bradley from manteno, but map wise we weren't going the right way. we would be on 45 a this point) heading back towards the way were originally going, just on the road parallel to it.

we keep driving and the common conversation is, 'i wonder what is wrong.' 'i hope everyone is ok' while everyone looks behind us to see if we can catch a glance of a wreck or downed power lines. on the right and left there are cars just sitting on the sides of the road, with people in them. just sitting there. as we come closer to this bridge ahead, luke is still looking back and he starts veering off the the right. and by the time any of us catch it, we were boned and no time to exit the vehicle. the car flies off the cliff and it appears to drop about 50 feet into what used to be a stream at the bottom. now it's just filled with rocks. the front of the car seems to go forward more. as we fall the car levels out. last thing i hear is the girlfriend in the dream say, 'we are going to die.' and i respond, 'don't be so positive. God help us now.' I wake up with a gasp and can't get back to sleep.

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i'm hoping to take my lusts in this world and replace that craving with the energies in such things, to place them into things to help this world. to do what God wishes and using my hands to create something for my brothers and sisters in Christ. 'i have the right to do anything' - but i will not be mastered by anything.'

what kind of world do i want to create? i have hope in Gods world and wish to bring Heaven to earth. i continue to pray for Heavenly wisdom and patience. i can't do this alone, but i am never alone.

crashing down to earth

there are those moments (which seems to be a lot for me lately) that, you just want to dance with joy of the greatness that is God. but there are also the times of complete sadness. as humans, we can truly bring a hell to earth. in many ways we can do this, concentration camps, rejecting someone, it can be very simple the ways we can bring a hell to earth. in anyway making someone human, become less than that. we build a inhuman character to a person and what we miss most of all is what, that does to, us. it seems to be the easier way to bring hell to earth, because it's put on the blinders and move forward. i know, i do this far too often.

now what has caught my attention more than anything lately has been, "God will use the weak to over come the strong.(biblical and mewithoutYou. i've been listening to mewithoutYou a lot)" and people that "give us a glimpse into another realm. into a better way. the way of God.(Sex God by Rob Bell)". just by loving the least of these or doing something as simple as letting someone over in their car while i'm on the highway (which is frequent in texas, everything is highway).

through out the time (this time in texas and in illinois) the fact of loving people has been so obvious to me (now, ahaha i "knew" but didn't "know"). how important these things are to be a seeker (constantly going after God), to sow into this world (to do things for the body, just helping our brothers and sister), and to be a servant of this world. i'm thinking this is why we dont' remember the general as much as the moral leaders. people like martin luther king jr., mother theresa, desmond tutu, nelson mandela and deitrich bonhoffer. oh yes, and Jesus the moral leader to us all, came to flesh and was the Word. so may i keep seeking after God to sow into this world His will and to be a servant to all, no boundries of race, religion or personality. to love all as God so loves us. it's gonna be tough, cause oh how impatient i am. but Give me wisdom and patience God. so i can open my house boldly and without hindrance, to preach Gospel to all.

come now and join the feast, from the greatest and to the very least!
i said come now and join the feast, right here in the belly of the beast!

"Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righeousness."

i pray for wisdom God, Your wisdom that is pure from Heaven to guide me. thank you for such grace.

inching forward

texas is a new and different place, but nothing i can't figure out. i'm here for a reason and i guess that is to add something palpable to my life. even if that is learning social interaction again, you know... learning to have the confidence to talk to people. so today i decided to get my lye-berry card and look at some books, perhaps see if there are any get togethers to discuss literature. sadly, the calender for next month hasn't been updated. so i decided i'll return in a week and check out 'charlie chaplin an autobiography by charlie chaplin' not sure if that is the exact title, but it was odd. i really enjoy chaplin so i'm stoked to check that book out.

since i did that this morning i felt motivated to do something else, so i decided to find a church to go to tomorrow morning. which my mom helped out with, there's one that does outreach to homeless and has an international thing going on too. i don't know all the details but i'm sure to learn some soon. it's called 'eagle moutnain international ministries' the guy i called king (sweet name, don't you think?) seemed really into it and excited for me to come. i'm excited to find a church family and after this one i'm gonna check out the salvation army church. i have always been intersted in that. so, progress. see what doors open up from here. i just pray God that i can have the eyes and ears to know what You wish for me to do.

other notes, it was nice to talk to brock today. he called and we made jokes. like always talked about serious matters, i miss that kid. i am blessed to know him. only other thing is my parents and i talked about, what i want to do after college. they were kind of excited. still needs talking over. they participated in earth hour with me, it was that don't' use electricity thing from 8:30-9:30 pm. not sure why i was so excited to do it but i was.

so, God has been amazing. like He usually is, but i'm too stupid or ignorant to listen. He's pretty persistent though.

there is so much more to come and i can't even imagine what that is. i have great hope in You Lord and i once again ask you for Wisdom for what is to come. that i will be a servant to others and show love to everyone i meet. so i can reflect You into the world. may i learn and continue on God always seeking after You.

my pride, slowly peeling away.

my pride keeps me back, but i have hope in you God. so here i am asking, 'what is it you want me to do God? i'm listening... in silence, listening to You. let Your Spirit guide me, let Your will be done. i'm stupid sometimes and don't notice things, but i ask for wisdom. the ears and eyes to see whatever Your will, will be.'

You give me Hope God. You fill me up Lord.

i can help the area i'm in Lord, even if i'm a cynical person and choose to throw in the towel too early. there is always something to be done, i'm just not opening myself to it.

oh how easy i am to say i hate people, but really... what does that say? my lips say i love You but i hate my brothers and sisters, what a contradiction and a liar i am. how can i say i loathe them and love You? i love them as You love them. i get frustrated, but i do not hate them. so i need to open myself up to meet people, love people, enjoy these magnificent creations from You!

i do not exist, only You exist.

thank You for, such a great best-friend in my life. i don't know where i'd be if Brock was never placed with me. You really knew what you were doing there, not that You don't know what You were doing... You know what i mean Man.

seekin to be tossed a bone

there is the saying, 'just throw me a bone' just give me a little help here. it sucks when the one person you want to hear a 'good job' from or 'you're doing good but there is still room for improvement', instead of either of those you just get more criticism. then when a circumstance hits to where it seems ok to ask, 'what's God been doing?', it was easy to span over that and go straight at my downfalls. i know i have so much more to realize and wrestle with, God has so much in store for me. living here in texas is a constant struggle for me, especially living in such an upper class area. it's hard for me to just open up to people, but i've realized in the community of Christ i need to open up and be more translucent.

i ask God for wisdom, dear God give me the ability to open up to people and most of all give me the ability to share everything with You Lord. may Your Spirit guide me and keep me up when i'm slacking. let me have the will to where something spoken from a brother doesn't tear me down to great cinicism, but give me hope in transfiguration of my own soul. even a soul like mine can be transfigured, a symbol of death like the cross was can even be transfigured to a stand for life. It gives hope to so many. grass changes from brown to a full lucious green. there isn't much You can't do, but i must bear my cross and walk with You. i'm in great joy to do so with my fellow brothers and sisters, because there is no way to you without the Church. without the community that i so need." for it isn't 'i think there for i am', i'm a person and love someone as a person. thefore i and them are people(desmond tutu excerpt, just rephrased)."

Artist: Sufjan Stevens
Song: Chicago

I fell in love again
all things go, all things go
drove to Chicago
all things know, all things know
we sold our clothes to the state
I don't mind, I don't mind
I made a lot of mistakes
in my mind, in my mind

you came to take us
all things go, all things go
to recreate us
all things grow, all things grow
we had our mindset
all things know, all things know
you had to find it
all things go, all things go

I drove to New York
in a van, with my friend
we slept in parking lots
I don't mind, I don't mind
I was in love with the place
in my mind, in my mind
I made a lot of mistakes
in my mind, in my mind

you came to take us
all things go, all things go
to recreate us
all things grow, all things grow
we had our mindset
all things know, all things know
you had to find it
all things go, all things go

if I was crying
in the van, with my friend
it was for freedom
from myself and from the land
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes

you came to take us
all things go, all things go
to recreate us
all things grow, all things grow
we had our mindset
all things know, all things know
you had to find it
all things go, all things go

you came to take us
all things go, all things go
to recreate us
all things grow, all things grow
we had our mindset
(I made a lot of mistakes)
all things know, all things know
(I made a lot of mistakes)
you had to find it
(I made a lot of mistakes)
all things go, all things go
(I made a lot of mistakes)

turmoil of the soul

the inner turmoil of my dark soul, what a journey both physically and spiritually. the eyes of my heart have gone from squinting to now opening at a decent pace. while my physical eyes have their glazed cataracts taken out. what my eyes see my heart and soul weeps for the loss or jumps for joy in His glory; and in my lack of seeing before i ask for forgiveness. but, you have built me up God. at each step knocking down this pride, holding me with such grace helping me move forward. if it be crawling, walking or running, it’s always forward, towards You. i’m starting to see the Glory of others and how i should take joy in my and their strong points instead of paying more attention to any shortcomings. we all have these, but most of all we have our strong points given by you God to keep community alive, to show Your glory. there is time for critique but far more time for praise in Your name.

the eyes open more, forgive my ignorance.

the burning log of my soul is being transfigured. pain turned to joy and joy building so greatly each day. i no longer wish to oppress someone with my ‘opinions’ of their character, for the same can be said on me. may we work together and learn on our downfalls together, discuss them with another and build our character together. for talking of ones character flaws can create an inhuman image on both sides, i do not wish to take part in such things. while in oppressing someone i am merely oppressing myself. in the scheme of things, the oppressor is the one who truly loses themselves, it becomes easier and typical to do the oppressing and gossiping. losing the humanity to just love one another.

give me wisdom God, give me patience God, let me be a patient revolutionary who has his eyes open to the world taking in and seeing You revealed in all i do!

may I feel your fiery lips.

-kris denoyer

(been on my mind a while. a catchy tune you can't get out of your head.)
song: dumpster divers
artist: psalters

Come now and join the feast,
from the greatest to the very least,
come now & join the feast,
(right) right here in the belly of the beast.

Cops & soldiers you can come too -
just lay down y'r guns & c'mon thru.
Rich people get rid of y'r stuff.
Poor people there will be enough.

Might ones c'm down from y'r thrones.
Little ones you will not be alone.

Come now and join the feast,
from the greatest to the very least,
come now & join the feast,
(right) right here in the belly of the beast.

lazy man come to the table
and make some food for those who ain't able
pretty winner swallow your pride
drink the ugly loser who for all died
make sure everyone has some
and the we'll see the kingdom

"A dream from the soul, a living snow globe."

Trapped in a New York snow globe
drinking water from the same source
and oh how sweet
to see it falling, falling down.

Our cars are sleds
traveling down the river
a river that divides the town
forever in this snow globe town

Traveling these roads
torn between who I am
this snow globe my tomb
looking for what I left behind

Drinking from the same source
and you're nowhere to be found
this dream I live
this nightmare, I'll forever know.

A ray of darkness
a nightmarish creation
riding in this sled
with Whitman at the helm.

"Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged,
Missing me one place search another,
I stop somewhere waiting for you.", Whitman, "song of myself"

My thoughts turn with poetic favor
insides burn with a beast
a beast of unforgiven failure
contemplation, to see it falling, falling down around.

a creators creation