the love paradox

"Since love grows within you, so beauty grows. For love is the beauty of the soul. ", St. Augustine

with everyday, my love for You increases. my trust in You increases... the more i reveal myself to people, the more i see of You each day. i know by trusting in You, i receive (it's not a point system) favor. for such a small word (trust), it holds such weight and complications. i'm trying God, but by Your grace and divine wisdom i seem to be growing deeper in love with You and Your people Lord. thank you. it seems by loving more and more, i grow fonder of You and more trusting. hence the idea of some 'love paradox' that never seemed to make sense until now. may i keep my eyes and ears on You, for Your grace is what holds me here. Your love is magnificent and beautiful, i have far to go but seeing such love coming from Your people. as subtle as it can be, it's still so amazing... love truly is the beauty of the soul.

so, i thought i had a lot to write about today... but it all seems so trivial now and i'd just be blowing it WAY out of proportion... ahaha so it's not flowing right now, i guess i'll save this as a draft and see if anything comes to me. (time of writing: 8:11 p.m.)

(11:08 p.m.) i've decided not to push anything, but i'll leave these from my devotions i have done thus far. i am reading 'make poverty personal' (in which if anyone would like to join me in discussion and working through this book, pick it up. we can chat about it somehow. phone call, e-mail, forum... whatever) and decided to go through exodus on my own (since the book talks on that in the first chapter, figured it was a good time to look at Exodus in whole).

Exodus 3:
I have watched over you and have seen what has been done to you in Egypt. ¹⁷ And I have promised to bring you up out of your misery in Egypt into the land of the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites—a land flowing with milk and honey.'

Exodus 4:
¹⁰ Moses said to the LORD, "O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue."

¹¹ The LORD said to him, "Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the LORD ? ¹² Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say."

Isaiah
5:7
The vineyard of the Lord Almighty is the house of Israel, and the men of Judah are the garden of his delight. And he looked for justice, but saw bloodshed; for righteousness, but heard cries of distress.
(a friend said she was reading this specific passage in a dream she had, so I've been pondering over it... any thoughts? of course go and read it in it's full context.)

**for you futurama fans, yes a refrence to farnsworth paradox episode. good episode, but i'm only refrencing the name. i did put more thought into it than just the refrence, i remembered the refrence a while later.

the nakedness

i'm pretty uncomfortable being naked. just in general. i was thinking of something i used to say a lot, 'being naked in front of God.' that's what i want to strive for, being naked in front of God and not just the, hey no physical clothes! but the in depth, nakedness of my soul, hopes, fears, future, imagination... to truly open my heart and pour it out, nakedness towards God as He reveals Himself to me. that is kind of what i'm doing with this blog as well, these are part of my prayers and revealing myself to God and to my friends. this is me uncovering and bearing my naked soul. yes, here and there i'm leaving something out for myself to share with God. these are just like the consensus and more direct thoughts/occurrences. God has been so awesome as of late.

'God is love and love is real!'

God, build me up Lord... build me up. use me for Your will. imagination can do such great things, it's all over the scriptures. give me the wisdom of Heaven to reinforce this imagination of mine. to boldly spread Your word.

'blind as i'd become, i used to wonder where you are-
these days i can't find where You're not!'

so i decided to take a drive today and look for the salvation army church. as i was driving i looked and found a barnes and noble, so i pulled over to partake inside. perhaps eat some lunch and buy a book, i found 'making poverty personal'. while looking around the girl next to me was buying 'irresistible revolution' so we talked for a little while. AHH! why did my text change? whatever, so we sat and talked for a while, then sat and had some lunch with her as well. it was really nice, she goes to a methodist church not too far from my house so i think i may go and check it out one time. we exchanged e-mail addresses so we can keep in touch and perhaps get together to discuss books and/or go to church one day. so i was pretty excited about that. my text changed again... what the deuce? anyways after this i headed home. excited my mom is bringing home some wings 21 and i'm trying to decide what book to read next.

when i got home (text changed again) i decided to make a little study next to my window, just by dragging in a chair from the dining room and using the tub that i was sitting on as a foot stool. also by using the window as a place to hold books and perhaps some tea, it's just really nice to sit and read there. i've been trying to spend my mornings in devotions and with God, it gives me a good place to look out and have some great solitude away from everything. it's a crazy little nook, a corner of quiet. some time sitting here really changes my out look for the day. I'm gonna throw in a picture of what it looks like looking out.

but i must say, the saddest thing today has been hearing muffin, the cool kittie in my house, has to be put down tomorrow. his kidney's and liver are shutting down completely so it's best to put him down. just really sad cause i like him, he's calm and spends a lot of time in my room just hanging out. but this evening the' incredible hulk' is here and my parents and i are going to watch that. just to double check, the one with edward norton... the good hulk film.

God you are so great, build me up Lord and let me be naked in front of You. allow me to keep moving forward. as i enjoy saying, 'make progress!' which by saying 'progress!' i need to go over a story, well there are a lot of stories of this... but the times dave, brock and i were off playing golf. there was this thing to where, we suck at golf. ahaha terribly. well, dave is pretty good. well anyways, it's a continuing joke since the first day we all golfed together this 'progress!' being yelled. you can see where i'm going here, but i'll start from the beginning even though the reader is steps ahead. golf day starts, it seems each time we go one person has their shoes off and only one of us wore shorts. so us three guys are golfing two with rolled up pants, one with out shoes, one with shorts and most likely somebody has their shirt off. backwoods golfing comes to mind.

we come up to the first tee off, dave goes first. he hits one and it's not as good as he would like, so re-do (that's a typical day of golf, 'umm can i retry that?'). the next one is nicely shot and off to the right of the green. i'd tell you how far it went, but i can't remember any of them. just how long it took us to actually get a decent shot.

at this point it's brocks turn, this time it's about one drive and he's in a half way decent position. not far from daves and in the middle of the fairway.

my favorite part, my turn. now, i used to play golf a lot. so i'm not terrible, but i'm definitely no where close to good.

i walk up and take a few practice swings, remembering 'yeah, i miss golf. i was pretty decent.' first swing... way far! but waaaay to the right. shanked it into the woods. this happens 3 times...(i lost all three of those golf balls too) good distance, but a 45 degree angle to the right. ahaha so hilarious to see, if i hit that thing straight. oh what a marvelous drive i would have! if only, i hit it straight. (now a days i have to angle my body like 35 degrees to the left to equal out my enormous shankage, it's hilarious. I could hit around a corner some times.) we continue down and it get's worse. dave still does good. brock and me keep having our redos' until we get fed up. hit the ball once, goes 2 feet. hit it again, a few more feet. then, Glory be to God the ball flies 20 feet. from dave we here, 'progress!' yelled from the back.

now my point is, those few shots that suck... oh how mad we can get. but that one decent shot that we had all day, makes it all worth while. the 'progress' of it all. progress of a nice shot, progress i made today by not getting mad at drivers, and the progress i've made in the relationships. i have some tough times, but God is faithful... maybe not in my golf game. ahahaha but definitely in my life, if i'm just seeking after Him.

just some information also, by the end of a long day of golf. we look like beginners instead of amateurs. some progress, but oh how much fun it is. good friends, good talks, new skills, good tea and lookn' like idiots. praise be to God for such times.

'but seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. each day has enough trouble of its own.' Matthew 6;32-34

God give me peace and the ability to seek after Your kingdom. to make some progress in my life and to make progress towards Your Kingdom to come. give me eyes to see and ears to hear Lord.

i cried and ran to the boys' bathroom.

the title is altered from rob bell's, 'she ran into the girls bathroom'. in which he talks about a time he asked a girl to dance with him, when he was like 12 years old, at this time in life the dance floor is like a parted sea. guys on this side and girls on that side. so the boy to cross that threshold is pretty brave and is taking a risk (risk is what bell focuses more on in said chapter). well bell was brave enough to make such a journey and asked this girl to dance, in which she could say 'yes' or 'no'. instead she ran off to the bathroom. now, what is so hard about a 'no'? it's you are putting yourself out there to be accepted or rejected. if you are rejected it's like a piece of you is left there. a yes is amazing. rob compared this with God, how we can reject Him or love Him. how God risks love with us, by giving the freewill to love or turn away from Him. God grieves for us as He is in joy for our following Him.

'there is no coincidence, only the illusion of coincidence.'

but, my mind went else where and remembered a time when i was that girl. i ran to the bathroom when something was presented to me. God really gave me sometime of reflection after and this person called me. in which i am deeply sad that i was not open enough with her to say, 'i was weak and i wasn't mature enough.' just a simple, 'i'm not ready, you are great and i can't really live up to this. i'm still a child.' it's amazing how God works, i feel more mature than that day and i have hope that i will constantly keep seeking after Him. thankful that He works through the body and she just so happened to call at the right time. how magnificent is He? i can't fathom, but i'm learning if i let Him work. keep my eyes and ears open to His will, He will work in the subtle winds and through His people. i'm stoked to have this girl in my life again as a sister in Christ. there is so much going for her. we were on the phone for quite some time talking, it was very nice and i'm in awe of what God can do.

He's been giving me wisdom, giving me opportunities and i am trying to sow in Christ name. may i continue to be open to His will, open heart and ears. i continue to ask for divine wisdom and the passion to love all of His children as He loves them.


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random thing about alec baldwin, you'll most likely hate it. i was bored, waiting for brock to call me back.

i got a question for you (this was directed towards, brock), i typed this out so i would have it right when i got a hold of you (brock). like, basically i'm reading a script (he was calling me back). questions that need to be asked before the the main question, you've seen independence day, correct? ok, you've seen pearl harbor, right? well that isn't very important if you have or haven't. what matters is he is a pilot in both films and in some way a commander/leader of the military.

do you think alec baldwin was chose for the role of the leading officer (pilot) in pearl harbor, for his amazing job as the president who was the commander in chief (also a pilot, later in independence day), whom shot down the aliens? oh, he shot down both the japanese and aliens... fictionally of course. (meaning, he gives great speeches from the cockpit of a plane, he's a good fake pilot.)

I'm pretty sure this is true, because he gives a darn good speech while in a cockpit of a plane. he's a terrible fake president (my apologies, alec baldwin is a good actor. comedy my friends) but he got that role (independence day) for his astounding "piloting". same with pearl harbor, terrible leader but a fantastic actor at being a lead man in the cockpit. the speeches this man gives...

**side note to all of this.**
i laughed a lot as i wrote this, i'm a little crazy. brock laughed, repeatedly saying how weird this was. ahaha

there was a terrible crash

last night i had this dream and woke up utterly terrified.

it started driving in the dark, i was seated in the middle seat next to my friend david. david is a tall blond kid and built pretty well. i'd say he was about 6 foot tall and to my left was a girl, not for sure who she was. but I knew her. only thing is i didn't talk to her about the whole entire time, except for right after i noticed david was in the car (i use the word notice because in a dream, it's like you are just realizing what is going on. the whole time though, you do know what's going on). i looked at this girl and smiled saying, 'i hope you're having a good time. i know my high school friends are crazy.' she looked back smiling and just said, 'it's totally fine, i'm really enjoying my time.'

now let me explain what people and the inside of the car appeared to look like. the girl next too man siting was the same height as me. she had on an orange tank top, and what i also remember is her perfect smile. the one to where her head tilts to the right side of her body. just a cute really nice smile, where her eyes twinkled. for some reason this was very in depth in my dream. luke is about 5'8 and has the common marine look. very tan with black hair. he never really turned around much and to the left sat willam who was a little bigger built than david. helm is at the same sitting height as luke in the front. i never really looked towards willam. now for the car, it was a roomy vehicle... like park avenue size. so, it's like a boat car. the car seats were like a dark gray color and the interior was pretty plain.

on with the dream sequence.

from the front of the car i hear luke say, 'stop being romantic, you know it's a terrible time. kris is mine as well, we're gay.' everybody in the car laughed. 'dude, we should go get some arby's.', i said.

a random voice, 'i'm thinkn' arby's.' i laughed and kept looking at luke, 'willam (he's in the passenger seat) is down for arby's!' david chimes in with, 'it's arby's time children.' luke took the next right on this dark country road.

as we drive we notice from a distance we could see emergency lights and when we reached the stop sign we couldn't turn left. so luke turned right (i think we were heading to bradley from manteno, but map wise we weren't going the right way. we would be on 45 a this point) heading back towards the way were originally going, just on the road parallel to it.

we keep driving and the common conversation is, 'i wonder what is wrong.' 'i hope everyone is ok' while everyone looks behind us to see if we can catch a glance of a wreck or downed power lines. on the right and left there are cars just sitting on the sides of the road, with people in them. just sitting there. as we come closer to this bridge ahead, luke is still looking back and he starts veering off the the right. and by the time any of us catch it, we were boned and no time to exit the vehicle. the car flies off the cliff and it appears to drop about 50 feet into what used to be a stream at the bottom. now it's just filled with rocks. the front of the car seems to go forward more. as we fall the car levels out. last thing i hear is the girlfriend in the dream say, 'we are going to die.' and i respond, 'don't be so positive. God help us now.' I wake up with a gasp and can't get back to sleep.

----
i'm hoping to take my lusts in this world and replace that craving with the energies in such things, to place them into things to help this world. to do what God wishes and using my hands to create something for my brothers and sisters in Christ. 'i have the right to do anything' - but i will not be mastered by anything.'

what kind of world do i want to create? i have hope in Gods world and wish to bring Heaven to earth. i continue to pray for Heavenly wisdom and patience. i can't do this alone, but i am never alone.

crashing down to earth

there are those moments (which seems to be a lot for me lately) that, you just want to dance with joy of the greatness that is God. but there are also the times of complete sadness. as humans, we can truly bring a hell to earth. in many ways we can do this, concentration camps, rejecting someone, it can be very simple the ways we can bring a hell to earth. in anyway making someone human, become less than that. we build a inhuman character to a person and what we miss most of all is what, that does to, us. it seems to be the easier way to bring hell to earth, because it's put on the blinders and move forward. i know, i do this far too often.

now what has caught my attention more than anything lately has been, "God will use the weak to over come the strong.(biblical and mewithoutYou. i've been listening to mewithoutYou a lot)" and people that "give us a glimpse into another realm. into a better way. the way of God.(Sex God by Rob Bell)". just by loving the least of these or doing something as simple as letting someone over in their car while i'm on the highway (which is frequent in texas, everything is highway).

through out the time (this time in texas and in illinois) the fact of loving people has been so obvious to me (now, ahaha i "knew" but didn't "know"). how important these things are to be a seeker (constantly going after God), to sow into this world (to do things for the body, just helping our brothers and sister), and to be a servant of this world. i'm thinking this is why we dont' remember the general as much as the moral leaders. people like martin luther king jr., mother theresa, desmond tutu, nelson mandela and deitrich bonhoffer. oh yes, and Jesus the moral leader to us all, came to flesh and was the Word. so may i keep seeking after God to sow into this world His will and to be a servant to all, no boundries of race, religion or personality. to love all as God so loves us. it's gonna be tough, cause oh how impatient i am. but Give me wisdom and patience God. so i can open my house boldly and without hindrance, to preach Gospel to all.

come now and join the feast, from the greatest and to the very least!
i said come now and join the feast, right here in the belly of the beast!

"Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righeousness."

i pray for wisdom God, Your wisdom that is pure from Heaven to guide me. thank you for such grace.

inching forward

texas is a new and different place, but nothing i can't figure out. i'm here for a reason and i guess that is to add something palpable to my life. even if that is learning social interaction again, you know... learning to have the confidence to talk to people. so today i decided to get my lye-berry card and look at some books, perhaps see if there are any get togethers to discuss literature. sadly, the calender for next month hasn't been updated. so i decided i'll return in a week and check out 'charlie chaplin an autobiography by charlie chaplin' not sure if that is the exact title, but it was odd. i really enjoy chaplin so i'm stoked to check that book out.

since i did that this morning i felt motivated to do something else, so i decided to find a church to go to tomorrow morning. which my mom helped out with, there's one that does outreach to homeless and has an international thing going on too. i don't know all the details but i'm sure to learn some soon. it's called 'eagle moutnain international ministries' the guy i called king (sweet name, don't you think?) seemed really into it and excited for me to come. i'm excited to find a church family and after this one i'm gonna check out the salvation army church. i have always been intersted in that. so, progress. see what doors open up from here. i just pray God that i can have the eyes and ears to know what You wish for me to do.

other notes, it was nice to talk to brock today. he called and we made jokes. like always talked about serious matters, i miss that kid. i am blessed to know him. only other thing is my parents and i talked about, what i want to do after college. they were kind of excited. still needs talking over. they participated in earth hour with me, it was that don't' use electricity thing from 8:30-9:30 pm. not sure why i was so excited to do it but i was.

so, God has been amazing. like He usually is, but i'm too stupid or ignorant to listen. He's pretty persistent though.

there is so much more to come and i can't even imagine what that is. i have great hope in You Lord and i once again ask you for Wisdom for what is to come. that i will be a servant to others and show love to everyone i meet. so i can reflect You into the world. may i learn and continue on God always seeking after You.

my pride, slowly peeling away.

my pride keeps me back, but i have hope in you God. so here i am asking, 'what is it you want me to do God? i'm listening... in silence, listening to You. let Your Spirit guide me, let Your will be done. i'm stupid sometimes and don't notice things, but i ask for wisdom. the ears and eyes to see whatever Your will, will be.'

You give me Hope God. You fill me up Lord.

i can help the area i'm in Lord, even if i'm a cynical person and choose to throw in the towel too early. there is always something to be done, i'm just not opening myself to it.

oh how easy i am to say i hate people, but really... what does that say? my lips say i love You but i hate my brothers and sisters, what a contradiction and a liar i am. how can i say i loathe them and love You? i love them as You love them. i get frustrated, but i do not hate them. so i need to open myself up to meet people, love people, enjoy these magnificent creations from You!

i do not exist, only You exist.

thank You for, such a great best-friend in my life. i don't know where i'd be if Brock was never placed with me. You really knew what you were doing there, not that You don't know what You were doing... You know what i mean Man.

seekin to be tossed a bone

there is the saying, 'just throw me a bone' just give me a little help here. it sucks when the one person you want to hear a 'good job' from or 'you're doing good but there is still room for improvement', instead of either of those you just get more criticism. then when a circumstance hits to where it seems ok to ask, 'what's God been doing?', it was easy to span over that and go straight at my downfalls. i know i have so much more to realize and wrestle with, God has so much in store for me. living here in texas is a constant struggle for me, especially living in such an upper class area. it's hard for me to just open up to people, but i've realized in the community of Christ i need to open up and be more translucent.

i ask God for wisdom, dear God give me the ability to open up to people and most of all give me the ability to share everything with You Lord. may Your Spirit guide me and keep me up when i'm slacking. let me have the will to where something spoken from a brother doesn't tear me down to great cinicism, but give me hope in transfiguration of my own soul. even a soul like mine can be transfigured, a symbol of death like the cross was can even be transfigured to a stand for life. It gives hope to so many. grass changes from brown to a full lucious green. there isn't much You can't do, but i must bear my cross and walk with You. i'm in great joy to do so with my fellow brothers and sisters, because there is no way to you without the Church. without the community that i so need." for it isn't 'i think there for i am', i'm a person and love someone as a person. thefore i and them are people(desmond tutu excerpt, just rephrased)."

Artist: Sufjan Stevens
Song: Chicago

I fell in love again
all things go, all things go
drove to Chicago
all things know, all things know
we sold our clothes to the state
I don't mind, I don't mind
I made a lot of mistakes
in my mind, in my mind

you came to take us
all things go, all things go
to recreate us
all things grow, all things grow
we had our mindset
all things know, all things know
you had to find it
all things go, all things go

I drove to New York
in a van, with my friend
we slept in parking lots
I don't mind, I don't mind
I was in love with the place
in my mind, in my mind
I made a lot of mistakes
in my mind, in my mind

you came to take us
all things go, all things go
to recreate us
all things grow, all things grow
we had our mindset
all things know, all things know
you had to find it
all things go, all things go

if I was crying
in the van, with my friend
it was for freedom
from myself and from the land
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes

you came to take us
all things go, all things go
to recreate us
all things grow, all things grow
we had our mindset
all things know, all things know
you had to find it
all things go, all things go

you came to take us
all things go, all things go
to recreate us
all things grow, all things grow
we had our mindset
(I made a lot of mistakes)
all things know, all things know
(I made a lot of mistakes)
you had to find it
(I made a lot of mistakes)
all things go, all things go
(I made a lot of mistakes)

turmoil of the soul

the inner turmoil of my dark soul, what a journey both physically and spiritually. the eyes of my heart have gone from squinting to now opening at a decent pace. while my physical eyes have their glazed cataracts taken out. what my eyes see my heart and soul weeps for the loss or jumps for joy in His glory; and in my lack of seeing before i ask for forgiveness. but, you have built me up God. at each step knocking down this pride, holding me with such grace helping me move forward. if it be crawling, walking or running, it’s always forward, towards You. i’m starting to see the Glory of others and how i should take joy in my and their strong points instead of paying more attention to any shortcomings. we all have these, but most of all we have our strong points given by you God to keep community alive, to show Your glory. there is time for critique but far more time for praise in Your name.

the eyes open more, forgive my ignorance.

the burning log of my soul is being transfigured. pain turned to joy and joy building so greatly each day. i no longer wish to oppress someone with my ‘opinions’ of their character, for the same can be said on me. may we work together and learn on our downfalls together, discuss them with another and build our character together. for talking of ones character flaws can create an inhuman image on both sides, i do not wish to take part in such things. while in oppressing someone i am merely oppressing myself. in the scheme of things, the oppressor is the one who truly loses themselves, it becomes easier and typical to do the oppressing and gossiping. losing the humanity to just love one another.

give me wisdom God, give me patience God, let me be a patient revolutionary who has his eyes open to the world taking in and seeing You revealed in all i do!

may I feel your fiery lips.

-kris denoyer

(been on my mind a while. a catchy tune you can't get out of your head.)
song: dumpster divers
artist: psalters

Come now and join the feast,
from the greatest to the very least,
come now & join the feast,
(right) right here in the belly of the beast.

Cops & soldiers you can come too -
just lay down y'r guns & c'mon thru.
Rich people get rid of y'r stuff.
Poor people there will be enough.

Might ones c'm down from y'r thrones.
Little ones you will not be alone.

Come now and join the feast,
from the greatest to the very least,
come now & join the feast,
(right) right here in the belly of the beast.

lazy man come to the table
and make some food for those who ain't able
pretty winner swallow your pride
drink the ugly loser who for all died
make sure everyone has some
and the we'll see the kingdom