Wednesday, April 29, 2009

me, like a ship at sea.

a lot of the stories, poetry, or scripts come to me in the shower or a few right before i go to bed. i decide they are good ideas once if they are still stuck in my head when i awake in the morning or i'm out of the shower. i give the stuff that comes out of my brain right before i sleep more time, because of exhaustion and it could be a terrible idea. now what i write isn't genius it's all from actual events most of the time, just overly dramatic, more comedy, adding to events or the occasion making up dialogue. situations are typically the same, i am not that good.

hmm... right.

my head hits the pillow and it's warm, that darn cat must of been sleeping on it again. so i take it to the flip side, the cool side of the pillow. that feels much better, faintly i hear some 'foxhole' in the background. as i lay there i can hear all the intricate workings of my body. the inhale and exhale of my lungs, the sudden gust of air coming in and out. (my airways sound clear this evening. smooth sailing in the breathing department) my heart bumps with each inhale and exhale, just carrying the oxygen through out my body. it beats with much fervor and strength now. this happens on occasion, where i'm in such idle peace and concentration of a moment. this moment, just laying in bed with my heart beating and pushing the blood through my veins. i can feel the blood rushing through my body, when i close my eyes i can concentrate even more and it's as if i can hear the blood pulse through out every extremity. then suddenly as i start to focus a tad on the music again. the flow of the blood in my body it feels as though my whole entire being is moving, like when i was on the boat the past summer. i'm laying on my bed but i feel like a ship at sea, just rocking back and forth. breathing the cool air, listening to some good jams, rocking gently, and the rushing of my blood seems like the ocean waves slightly hitting up against this boat. it's peaceful there. i wonder if that feeling will carry on for a while to come... serenity and finesse side of a ship at sea. oh all the symbolism a ship at sea can create, oh the implications it can stand for.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

returning from break

(segment from story i'm writing)

"'when you entered through that door I was aghast. this moment is like dawn, with it's allure of the red-orange canvass sky. I can see a sunrise over and over, each time left flabbergasted by its beauty and glamor.' what do you think of that?", he asked.

her looking into a cup of tea responds, "well, it just seems... not realistic. not that.."

he chimes in, "no, no, no." letting out a small laugh, "I want honesty, how was it not realistic?"

"Well i've never heard of such affection. my parents were divorced, i never heard, 'i love you' spoken verbally before, except through films, books or lies. With everything else i haven't been that passionate about anything."

"So does that mean it doesn't exist? because i haven't felt, tasted, smelled, heard, seen it? i haven't felt pluto or seen it out of photos or drawings in text books. I can be proof only while i have it or after it left. so it can exist......."

more to come eventually.


'God wanted to take the yoke of the egyptians (empire) out of His people.'
He seems to have been trying to take the yoke of the empire out of me, while replacing it with His divine yoke for a long time.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

that moment

today i decided to go to the theatre, the reason being i saw the new 'dragonball: evolutions' movie was out. this is one of those cartoons that i realized, 'man, i'm 21 years old.' yes, a few cartoons from my childhood have been turned into movies, but it isn't like this movie. my friends and i were enwrapped in this cartoon, i own almost the whole entire show on vhs alone. being honest, i wouldn't have enjoyed this film very much if it wasn't for the memories that are tied to it. nostalgia if you will, set in. remembering watching the 'freeza saga' uncut and waiting for the new movies to come out. talking about what could happen next with my friends, then sitting watching the spanish channel to see the up and coming cell saga! ahaha we were nuts about this show... the transformers was a big film, resident evil was one of those games that was like this (nostalgic) cartoon to be turned into a movie, the looking back thing. except I was 16/17 years old then. now it feels surreal like a lot of situations seem these days.

now i go to the theatre purchase my ticket and go to barnes and nobel to waste some time. i'm not there long, time passes really fast as i read some more of Exodus and Matthew. I grab my bag and enthusiastically walk over to go see the movie, a part of me is embarrassed that i'm going to see 'dragonball: evolutions' in the beginning... let alone, being alone to see it. i decide i need me a drink while i watch this film, so i go and buy this outrageously expensive 4 dollar medium (that feels more like a large to me) sprite. the girl that got me the drink was flirty, i figured since i was going to see 'dragonball:' the movie that was taken from an anime... confidence goes down a bit. i flirt back anyways, i'm a chump and it comes out a bit naturally. she was really really nice though and i like to see people smile, so i might just be over thinking. no matter what i'm glad to put a smile on someone's face. anyways, i go into the theatre and see 2 kids in front of me, they look about 14 years old. other people start to come in, a guy that is about my age sits behind me and sighs, 'i can't believe i'm here right now.' i just look back and say, 'i know, right? but it's the principle of the thing right?' he laughs and agrees with a subtle nod and a laugh. after this guy comes in a couple (a date movie i suppose? ahaha) then lastly is this older guy with his 5 year old kid. in which i knew he had to of brought his kid so he had a reason to come and see this film, dragonball was on toonami and cartoon network for a long time.

needless to say, it was worth the 7 bucks to have a look back. i'll most likely buy this movie, just because... a small reminder of a past and the aspects in the future. 'who i was and who i am.' all because of a tee.vee show that was on toonami, when moltar used to host. they left it open, so perhaps there will be more to come of our hero goku, bulma, chi-chi and master roshi. ahaha one could only hope, well my friends should. i'm gonna make then watch this and any others that come out. cause i'm awesome. ahaha

thank God for changes, thank God for friends, thank God for the word 'hope', and even more thank God for everyone out there. thank the Lord for you and me to exist.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

'wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.'

'i hope that last things last past these first charms, these pale charms.', 'last things last' by rachel's band. this will be a random and odd post, but hey... i think that way. but i listened to this song by rachel's and i was thinking about my prayer life lately... i'm at the point i always get to. that point being where my prayer time 'feels like i'm talking to a brick wall.' so God i hope my passion and want for you goes 'past these first charms, these pale charms.' that it will last through my 'pale charms.' which brings me on to the next song quote and realization of who i am now compared to who i used to be.... i used to count on me and no You Lord.

'And Your skin taste much better with aging not sweet like it was back in our sunday school.' this song is by manchester orchestra and it's entitled 'now that you're home.' i never was a sunday school kid, per-say. but it stands, Jesus you grow with age and wisdom. divine wisdom. i read the bible with new eyes and my heart sees with a new passion, a burning passion of how i will look, but how you look through me Lord. not saying it isn't rough, but oh how Your glory shines Lord. in the Psalms david asks 'where are you Lord?' many times like i do... and here you were the whole time, right here. now where was i?

'wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.'

here I am Lord, O here i am... all for You Lord. continuing after You. i know you are here, because before i didn't know where you weren't. that hasn't changed, You haven't changed. I love You Man.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

torn out heart!

I feel as though I have driven up to my house to see the front door had been kicked in. I'm brave enough to pass through the front entrance of my home, to see what seems to have happened. While I enter it appears that no table has been turned, nothing broken or misplaced. I only see 2 things added to my home, a piece of paper and a flower of some sort. I walked up to take a look at was sitting there. I look at the note that read, 'I can take away your happiness as simply as a rose can die without water nor sunlight.' pondering what this meant I picked up the rose. it sat in my hands dead. Holding the rose I knew at any second the pedals could fall astray, limp to the floor... like the happiness I hold so dear.

*written after Manchester United tied 2-2 against FC Porto.

a little crazy, i talk to myself.

i find it odd how people who come to Christ later in life describe Jesus as this 'madman'.
but he was, His people are very odd... ahaha heck, one guy (by one guy, john the baptist. That guy.) sat in the desert and ate locust. we are called to hang out with the lepers, even be lawyers while doing it. the idea of being 'set apart' has taken all knew meaning.

i will choose to love, that's it. simply love today and when the sun will rise tomorrow, i shall do it again. i am loved to show love, i am loved to know love... we love each other to fully understand His love.

there is just this thing going on in my head now, that a personal relationship with Jesus is so much more real when i don't try to do this (living) all alone. because the humanity of Christ is always doing things together, as the body. even God did this with us, i mean i started understanding more when i took in the idea that Jesus suffered here on earth and did the trials. as if He is saying, 'me too.' God had the Holy Spirit come upon us to say, 'I am here with you.' God is here and with me, i can talk to Him, interact with Him and at some point see all that He is doing in my life. i think we only understand Gods' love once we experience loving others... it may be why it's so important to love our neighbors and love each other as He so loves us. the loving i show here is only a glimpse of His divine love and what awaits us in Heaven. by loving the least of these and our brothers and sisters, we get a peek at what Heaven will be. a nice dose of Gods love for us. how I love my best friend is nothing on how much God loves me. how i love a significant other, is nothing in comparison to how much He loves me. the happiness i see is a glimpse of what Heaven will be like. by all that has been shown, oh how my love increases for You... even to that how i realize how much i love all of these people around me. there are still differences and frustration, but really everything at the foot of the cross is level. sometimes i get frustrated, but i hope it's a frustration of love and i don't act on such things. that i love all people and not for my benefit of looking better, because 'i am the problem' my ego and pride, my stubbornness. don't let these things bother me when trying to bring Your kingdom, i do it for you and for no one else to see. 'make it so my right hand doesn't know what the left is doing.' i love you Man.

random.. thing.

there is an app. (application, i know you know that but 'app' annoys me) for pretty much everything on the iPhone, except the one that makes it less pretentious.

personal journalism time...

Friday, April 3, 2009


so i woke up this morning and did my devotionals. i opened up the Bible and this happened... 'oh nooooeesss!', i said. i suppose i'll need me some glue here soon. funny thing is i also found the bible my mom had when she was a kid, the bible i was given when i was baptized as a kid and the one i was given when i was born... or the one my parents were given, to give to me. anyways.

i'm gonna take a stroll down memory lane here, because i've been just thinking a lot lately. right over here to the right is a picture of brock and i a long time ago. also with this picture is a toy from a cereal box of venom (it's melted from sitting on my car dashboard. you fill this thing with water... well at one time you filled it with water and the water shot from venoms hands). it's spider-man so i think about brock when i see it, since we love comic books and ultimate spider-man is are favorite comic book series. then off to the right under brock is a g.i. joe guy, his hands are broken. we found this when we walked from my house (by olivet) to manteno, it looked like it was going to rain... we had a lot of conversations about greek gods and even more comedy. that was such a great walk, i miss that kid... but the army guy is holding the ring of power from 'lord of the rings'. I defeated brock in williams lobby playing 'lord of the rings: risk' i stole his ring from the game, placed it on my finger and made him kiss it in front of everyone in the lobby. in front of his girlfriend and mine at the time... chuck was there too. it was some good times, i just have this picture and those things by my study. just to remember my best friend. now i haven't explained the picutre. this was taken at arby's, in which i received the wrong sandwich. so i was given a free sandwich! good times, i gave my sandwich to brock or his sister... not quite sure. brock's sister took this picture, but we both look really young in this picture... i think i was a senior in high school? not sure... i do remember it was a lot of fun and this wasn't too far away from the night the both of us became best friends.

it was just one of those moments that, will always stick in my memory. now, we both decided to swing on swings... now most of you know we both get sick on swings, because we are wimps. well, we were swinging and I was telling brock the shenanigans i caused in high school. he did the same. the conversation is one of those things.. that was awesome. ahaha but, we both puked that evening after the swings, just an odd connection but above this we just laughed at ourselves. but right after we decided to go home, but right before we decided to get donuts and 69 cent dranks at the gas station. in which we were both extremely rejuvenated! so we continued to hang out the rest of the night, going to barnes and nobel. that's kind of, well he's been a God send in my life. a night i'll always remember and from that night on we have had so many journeys and stupid mistakes. but continued moving forward. more journeys and moving forward together. we are one thousand miles apart and yet still continuing in the same direction in some spiritual level of life. it's mind boggling. this friendship and deep relationship with him has changed my life with God and how i see relationships with everyone i meet('all level at the foot of the cross.'). it brought it to such a deeper level of things. it's odd to not have my best friend right here with me or be there with him, but i know God is good. not sure why i decided to type all that, but it's been on my heart... so i do know why, ahaha it's important to me and something i wished to share. we hold each other accountable and it shows true reflection of how i wish to see the community of God. as i see my best friend.

dear God open my eyes, open my eyes God... open my heart and bless me to do Your will. i love you Man... thank you for such a great person to be in my life and for everyone to come into my life. may i lay my pride and stubbornness aside Lord, but help me. i cannot do this alone, i seek after You.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

i'm sorry

i'm sorry Lord, for all i've done. You lift me up God, may i not make myself fall. i am weak but You are strong. i love you Lord, please help me. i seek Your divine wisdom Lord. i have hope for the future, for Your dream... give me eyes to see and ears to hear. let my heart be open to You always, may my life be a sacrifice to You, a servant to all because there is no lower place to go. crush my pride and fill me up, to love You more and more each day.


'i am not an optimist or a pessimist. i live by hope!', desmond tutu

there was more to this quote, tutu continues to say in 'God has a dream' is optimism leads to pessimism and can be cynicism. for me this is true, if i am very optimistic i can also be very pessimistic. odd yes, but does not mean this does not happen. tutu states he is a realist, but for Gods dream, a hopeful dream (for His people, to work through them in this world) that everything will be transfigured as the cross was. Hope for a new tomorrow and for what His people were promised. like the Hebrews in exodus, 'a land flowing with milk and honey.'

I have such a hope for tomorrow, God is with His people. He was with paul in acts and with moses exodus. God is within us all, His people the Church (not the church 'building', with the congregation. our brothers and sisters) to bring in a new world, Gods' world. He uses the weak in such times. like i've said, moses he had a speech impediment. abraham. paul. even, me?

He brings us together, in community. to work through, to trust in Him. He loves us and we are to love Him and His creation as He loves them... faith within the storm and in the subtle peaceful times after such a storm. God needs me to work through, why else would i be here with such precious gifts from Him? I have such weak points, but so much to take joy in and i know so many people to take joy in.

for some reason above the words 'us' and 'them' stuck out, a lot to me. even as i typed them. what comes to mind is, creating an 'us and them' scenario. like, us the church and them as everybody else.... ugh.

I'm dropping this... to be honest my heart isn't in it. I'm trying too hard, i just want something to flow out of me. not be life changing, this stuff is changing in me. not me trying to change anyone else. I wrote most of this in my journal so... sorry to cut out on you guys like that. I started this this morning and well... i'm not gonna continue on typing it here if, well... if the passion isn't there. God bless.