seekin to be tossed a bone

there is the saying, 'just throw me a bone' just give me a little help here. it sucks when the one person you want to hear a 'good job' from or 'you're doing good but there is still room for improvement', instead of either of those you just get more criticism. then when a circumstance hits to where it seems ok to ask, 'what's God been doing?', it was easy to span over that and go straight at my downfalls. i know i have so much more to realize and wrestle with, God has so much in store for me. living here in texas is a constant struggle for me, especially living in such an upper class area. it's hard for me to just open up to people, but i've realized in the community of Christ i need to open up and be more translucent.

i ask God for wisdom, dear God give me the ability to open up to people and most of all give me the ability to share everything with You Lord. may Your Spirit guide me and keep me up when i'm slacking. let me have the will to where something spoken from a brother doesn't tear me down to great cinicism, but give me hope in transfiguration of my own soul. even a soul like mine can be transfigured, a symbol of death like the cross was can even be transfigured to a stand for life. It gives hope to so many. grass changes from brown to a full lucious green. there isn't much You can't do, but i must bear my cross and walk with You. i'm in great joy to do so with my fellow brothers and sisters, because there is no way to you without the Church. without the community that i so need." for it isn't 'i think there for i am', i'm a person and love someone as a person. thefore i and them are people(desmond tutu excerpt, just rephrased)."

Artist: Sufjan Stevens
Song: Chicago

I fell in love again
all things go, all things go
drove to Chicago
all things know, all things know
we sold our clothes to the state
I don't mind, I don't mind
I made a lot of mistakes
in my mind, in my mind

you came to take us
all things go, all things go
to recreate us
all things grow, all things grow
we had our mindset
all things know, all things know
you had to find it
all things go, all things go

I drove to New York
in a van, with my friend
we slept in parking lots
I don't mind, I don't mind
I was in love with the place
in my mind, in my mind
I made a lot of mistakes
in my mind, in my mind

you came to take us
all things go, all things go
to recreate us
all things grow, all things grow
we had our mindset
all things know, all things know
you had to find it
all things go, all things go

if I was crying
in the van, with my friend
it was for freedom
from myself and from the land
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes

you came to take us
all things go, all things go
to recreate us
all things grow, all things grow
we had our mindset
all things know, all things know
you had to find it
all things go, all things go

you came to take us
all things go, all things go
to recreate us
all things grow, all things grow
we had our mindset
(I made a lot of mistakes)
all things know, all things know
(I made a lot of mistakes)
you had to find it
(I made a lot of mistakes)
all things go, all things go
(I made a lot of mistakes)

turmoil of the soul

the inner turmoil of my dark soul, what a journey both physically and spiritually. the eyes of my heart have gone from squinting to now opening at a decent pace. while my physical eyes have their glazed cataracts taken out. what my eyes see my heart and soul weeps for the loss or jumps for joy in His glory; and in my lack of seeing before i ask for forgiveness. but, you have built me up God. at each step knocking down this pride, holding me with such grace helping me move forward. if it be crawling, walking or running, it’s always forward, towards You. i’m starting to see the Glory of others and how i should take joy in my and their strong points instead of paying more attention to any shortcomings. we all have these, but most of all we have our strong points given by you God to keep community alive, to show Your glory. there is time for critique but far more time for praise in Your name.

the eyes open more, forgive my ignorance.

the burning log of my soul is being transfigured. pain turned to joy and joy building so greatly each day. i no longer wish to oppress someone with my ‘opinions’ of their character, for the same can be said on me. may we work together and learn on our downfalls together, discuss them with another and build our character together. for talking of ones character flaws can create an inhuman image on both sides, i do not wish to take part in such things. while in oppressing someone i am merely oppressing myself. in the scheme of things, the oppressor is the one who truly loses themselves, it becomes easier and typical to do the oppressing and gossiping. losing the humanity to just love one another.

give me wisdom God, give me patience God, let me be a patient revolutionary who has his eyes open to the world taking in and seeing You revealed in all i do!

may I feel your fiery lips.

-kris denoyer

(been on my mind a while. a catchy tune you can't get out of your head.)
song: dumpster divers
artist: psalters

Come now and join the feast,
from the greatest to the very least,
come now & join the feast,
(right) right here in the belly of the beast.

Cops & soldiers you can come too -
just lay down y'r guns & c'mon thru.
Rich people get rid of y'r stuff.
Poor people there will be enough.

Might ones c'm down from y'r thrones.
Little ones you will not be alone.

Come now and join the feast,
from the greatest to the very least,
come now & join the feast,
(right) right here in the belly of the beast.

lazy man come to the table
and make some food for those who ain't able
pretty winner swallow your pride
drink the ugly loser who for all died
make sure everyone has some
and the we'll see the kingdom

"A dream from the soul, a living snow globe."

Trapped in a New York snow globe
drinking water from the same source
and oh how sweet
to see it falling, falling down.

Our cars are sleds
traveling down the river
a river that divides the town
forever in this snow globe town

Traveling these roads
torn between who I am
this snow globe my tomb
looking for what I left behind

Drinking from the same source
and you're nowhere to be found
this dream I live
this nightmare, I'll forever know.

A ray of darkness
a nightmarish creation
riding in this sled
with Whitman at the helm.

"Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged,
Missing me one place search another,
I stop somewhere waiting for you.", Whitman, "song of myself"

My thoughts turn with poetic favor
insides burn with a beast
a beast of unforgiven failure
contemplation, to see it falling, falling down around.

a creators creation

Are you Emergent?
You might be an emergent Christian: if you listen to U2, Moby, and Johnny Cash's Hurt (sometimes in church), use sermon illustrations from The Sopranos, drink lattes in the afternoon and Guinness in the evenings, and always use a Mac; ... if your idea of quintessential Christian discipleship is Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King Jr, Nelson Mandela, or Desmond Tutu; if you don't like George W. Bush or institutions or big business or capitalism, or Left Behind Christianity; if your political concerns are poverty, AIDS, imperialism, war-mongering, CEO salaries, consumerism, global warming, racism, and not so much abortion and gay marriage; if you are into bohemian, goth, rave, or indie; if you talk about the myth of redemptive violence and the myth of certainty; if you lie awake at night having nightmares about all the ways modernism has ruined your life; if you love the Bible as a beautiful, inspiring collection of works that lead us into the mystery of God but is not inerrant; if you search for truth but aren't sure it can be found; if you've ever been to a church with prayer labyrinths, candles, Play-Doh, chalk-drawings, couches, or beanbags (your youth group doesn't count); if you loathe words like linear, propositional, rational, machine, and hierarchy and use words like ancient-future, jazz, mosaic, matrix, missional, vintage, and dance; if you grew up in a very conservative Christian home that in retrospect seems legalistic, naive, and rigid; if you support women in all levels of ministry, prioritize urban over suburban, and like your theology narrative instead of systematic; if you disbelieve in any sacred-secular divide; if you want to be the church and not just go to church; if you long for a community that is relational, tribal, and primal like a river or a garden; if you believe doctrine gets in the way of an interactive relationship with Jesus; if you believe who goes to hell is no one's business and no one may be there anyway; if you believe salvation has a little to do with atoning for guilt and a lot to do with bringing the whole creation back into shalom with its Maker; if you believe following Jesus is not believing the right things but living the right way; if it really bugs you when people talk about going to heaven instead of heaven coming to us; if you disdain monological, didactic preaching; if you use the word 'story' in all your propositions about postmodernism - if all or most of this tortously long sentence describes you, then you might be an emergent Christian..."

Some random quotes I really enjoy...
“I don't preach a social gospel; I preach the Gospel, period. The gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ is concerned for the whole person. When people were hungry, Jesus didn't say, "Now is that political or social?" He said, "I feed you." Because the good news to a hungry person is bread.”
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
"The church is a whore, but she's my mother."
"We cannot fully recover until we help the society that made us sick recover."
"There is enough for everyone's need but not enough for everyone's greed."
"We can tell the world of life after death but what the world seems to be wondering about is life before death."
"The oppressed are freed from being oppressed and the oppressors are freed from beign oppressors."

But the segment from this book was read to me while going to get coffee and I was talking about the Irish pub intown later on. U2 was on the radio so I kept it on as I drove home after soccer due to the irony and also Sunday Bloody Sunday is a good song. Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King Jr., and Desmond Tutu are pretty awesome and so on and so forth. A few things don't fit with my background, but what knowledge comes in and wisdom (I hope wisdome) that comes out after reading such things fits me. So perhaps I am described as in this Emergent church movement. There are unknowns to our Faith and definite Truths about our Faith (in which some of those truths are pretty complicated to understand... like the trinity or have you read any of the old testemant? Some of that is tough to swallow.) Lables are fun and all but, I think I remember somethign saying, be weary of lables or don't lable yourself? It's good to make divisions and makes it easier for critiquing the body.

Last thought, can't we call the emerging/emergant church the reformed or constatnly in reformation church? Is that not what we are supposed to do? One foot in today and one foot in the Word? ahaha Paul was pretty sweet.

As for me, I have more research to do to understand both sides of this 'conversation' of emerging, emergent, reformed, and post-emergent/emerging... wow so much different termonology for the same word. Peace easy. (That sucks...)

a whisper, a formed backing

Symbolism is as simple as a thimble at the end of your finger. 

Every manifestation is a creation of interpretation,

expressions of imaginations.  

A preacher that breaches the true teachn',

while he takes a drag from a smoke,

"Camels my decision but Jesus is how I'm livin'." 

Street preacher preaches.

Prophet of the ages.

A group of profiters, 

bankers and lawyers. 

Closer to knockn' on heavens' door.

Restlessness: The back drop to change, man.

People say I'm some sort of visionary or have a grasp on some great imagination. It's a lonely place. I just let a happening happen, I dig it. I can't explain it, you just can't explain this thing that happens. But whatever it is seems to be good, a lot of things came about because it's just been good.

It isn't me who creates that change, it's in you. What you feel is being comfortable, being comfortable to see it just isn't you with these ideas and opinions. You make the change in you, because it's been there, that uneasy feeling at the pit of the stomach waiting to be let out.

Staring at the world around bring me some gin, I'm gonna face this with a grin. We're gonna take a plunge if we don't look within. The edge of the road, there is no abroad were locked in this town. Wasted with bottle in hand. Trapped in forgetting the times, without defining the lines lost in the economic times. Divisions we need some revisions, bring forth the speculation of recklessness as consciousness. Independent movement of reformed provisions. Intellectual understanding within love in arms not arms of war. Change around the corner, don't look to the border. Look away from the warrior.

Conversing of Author to Reader.

They why to write, for me.

Writing to me is a conversation between two individuals. Yes, even if a book is being read out loud to a class or group. It's still between two people, ones brian still interprets it in the form of perception. By you reading this, I am talking to you at this moment and no one else. Even though it's a broad public post I still speak directly towards someone. Not only am I getting inside of your head but you are getting into mine, in some way or form, we are getting into each others head. The only difference is you have a tougher job of telling me directly your thoughts, well not so much on blogs or whatever. If I was to say written this in a novel, it would be more difficult to directly tell me. 

Anyways, I'm just opening up to what I want to talk about here... as someone wishing to be an author one day, writing is one of the most personable things. A book isn't secret, what can be secret is the thoughts and emotions that have been wrapped up in the time frame a person reads a book. Getting to know something about the author in some round-a-bout way as well getting to know what lies within yourself. Blogging for me is an endless novel that creates an engagement with somebody's story that isn't as possible with novels or short stories. A feeling of involvement and input.

Now on to my epiphany the other night.

Actual date: October 2nd, 2008

Place: Buffalo Wild Wings

Written on a napkin

Coming to age tales, brought up through symbolism typically completes a story. Not the actual novel but the characters ability to finally tell the story. Does coming of age mean being able to tell your story? Does verbalization mean the person is more mature, I disagree. The persons decisions after this coming to realization makes them advance, the next step can be a concept work. Not everyone understands how to create symbolism and give an elaborate telling of what happened to them. I could transcribe somebody's life into a story, but that would take away form the personal emotions. It would just be my version and with my forms of symbolism. Some people just can't put into words the change they went through, but just know it was important. I'm gonna finish my story in a different form of coming to age tale, I already feel as though I can tell a story and no event got me this way. I just have a portion of a tale to tell, people have been waiting to listen. It just took me a while to figure out the novel. A meaningful outlook and changing situations to make this tale more interesting.

As for everything else, I'm pretty happy as of right now. I just recently got fired, in an under handed manner. That I don't really care too much about and do not feel like explaining, so let me leave it as that. As of right now I've just been pretty busy with school since I was sick last week. As life wise, a lot has changed. I'm excited to say I feel as though I have some good friends at the moment, not as many as I once had but I can't be sad because numbers are down. It's consistency in the friends not the quantity.

List of Books I want to read.

Paper Towns (Which comes out October 16th)

Clockwork Orange

Catch-22

Amongst the Thugs

Let it Snow

Genome

Rant

To Kill a Mocking Bird (Read it again)

more... but too lazy to keep typing. I feel like reading now.

I walked up to my friend and he said, "Hey Holden."

To which I was perplexed, "Why did you call me Holden? You don't know a Holden nor is there a way to have Alex and Holden get confused."

"It wasn't a mistake, sometimes you remind me of H.C." I thought to myself, what does he mean by that? No one wants to be like him... ah crap.

Later friends.